Email and new friendships

I'm starting to wonder how helpful emails are in building friendships. For friends you have an existing relationship with that has been built over a significant period of time, it's different - they know you relatively well (hopefully!) and should have a fair idea of how to interpret what you've written. You can pretty much just be yourself.

But with new friends I find myself in a different place. Initially I'm all gung ho and happy to be myself, then after a little while I start thinking too hard about everything and worry about offending them, or asking too many questions, or sharing too much... I write and rewrite and rewrite, delete, rewrite, delete, and then after clicking send I think more about what I wrote and wonder whether I should have included bits I deleted, or deleted bits I included.

I'm thinking emails are not such a helpful tool for me to build new friendships, but I'm not sure how to get around it as email is such a big part of how we do life and interact and organise everything now.

Any thoughts?

Friendship

I've been thinking a fair bit about friendship lately - particularly friendship between males and females. Friends have the potential to teach us so much, to share life with us, to help us grow, to support us, to tell us hard words that we may need to hear at times... They are people who accept us just as we are - yes, we may frustrate and confuse them at times, but they still stick by us and continue to walk through life with us.

But when it comes to the opposite sex, friendship can be confusing... but I remember speaking to an older lady about it last year, and she reminded me of the importance of enjoying and appreciating the here and now, of seeing the value each friend brings to my life now, and the value I can bring to theirs. It's pretty special really. I'm very thankful to God for new and old friends, so many people who continue to shape me and support me, who can help me learn to relax and who I can enjoy life with. So many memories yet to be made. :)

Getting to know the real you

Growing in friendship involves learning through conversation who you are as individuals. It's having fun together and spending quality and quantity time together... The strategic question to keep in mind is: How can you let each other see the 'real you'?

From Boy Meets Girl, p86 by Joshua Harris

Becoming a better and more whole you

'Instead of a person causing you to lose parts of yourself to be around him/her, the relationship helps you find more of who God created you to be. You expand, grow, stretch, and become a better and more whole you.' Henry Cloud in How to Get a Date Worth Keeping writing about people who are good for you.

One at a time... or lots?

In Henry Cloud's book, 'How to get a date worth keeping', he recommends not 'dating' one person exclusively so as to enhance your opportunities of getting to know different types of people, and learning about your own behaviours and ideas. He recommends dating lots of people at once.

I guess it kind of depends on your view of 'dating' too, but I'm not really keen on the idea! It does seem kind of flirtatious to me, though I suppose there's nothing wrong with getting to know more than one person at a time - it's probably the dating context that worries me. I'm pretty sure I won't ever have to deal with this issue myself anyway, but what do people think about this idea?

It's linked to his view that dating is not about marriage, which I'm not entirely sure about either. Part of me says it's great for a guy and a girl to just get to know each other and have fun together (which in my mind may not necessarily be classified as dating, maybe 'catching up'? ;), but the other part of me says it's not fair to keep doing this with someone if you don't intend to at least consider a serious relationship (and eventually marriage) down the track.

Something Henry does cover which I agree is really important, based on my personal experience, is accountability. He suggests having a dating accountability team who you talk to about your dating experiences and get to 'vet' anyone you're growing to like. Trusted friends who will be honest and help you identify your weaknesses in a loving way, and encourage you to grow, and pray with and for you, are invaluable in life generally, and as Henry suggests, when it comes to dating.

Here are a couple of quotes I found helpful in the book:

'Dating is about getting to know a person, sharing, talking, doing things together, and exploring spiritual matters - and that is what friends do. So, in a sense, every relationship should begin there.' p218

'People who are good for you are going to have a threefold effect over time:

1. You end up closer to God...

2. You end up closer to others...

3. You become more of yourself.' p225-226

'Lose your idol to receive what God has for you. 'Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well' (Matt 6:33).' p208

Steps towards growth?

In Cloud's book, 'How to get a date worth keeping', he suggests undertaking an assignment to review your current interactions with people of the opposite sex, so that you can then make any necessary changes. I'm kind of keen to do the 'assignment' as he suggests it will help identify issues within ourselves that we can then work on so we can improve our interactions with people of the opposite sex. But I'm not sure if that's then suggesting that it's all up to me? I guess maybe it's not, maybe it's seeing the part I play in God's overall plan?

Anyway, Cloud writes (p52):

'God Himself will guide you into the next step of growth in your relational life, if you ask Him. When you ask Him how you need to change, God will bring you the wisdom and the circumstances that will help, and then you have to persevere in taking action.'

Reading books about these sorts of issues makes me realise the importance of seeking God's wisdom. It'd be great if God made these issues a little clearer and less grey in the Bible!

^{James 1: 4-6} Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

Anticlimax

So I got hooked reading Elisabeth Elliot's Passion & Purity, and decided to read it before finishing Cloud's book. I was disappointed when I got to the end of the book - it just kind of ended. Not sure what I was expecting, but it was a bit of an anticlimax. Found some of their letters pretty surprising, especially one Jim wrote to her when they were engaged - perhaps 'fondling' meant something different to them than what comes to mind when I hear the word?!

What I appreciated about the book is that Elisabeth continually emphasises the importance of trusting God, even when we don't understand, of seeking Him first, and of surrendering everything to Him.

Clogged with wishes

'I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there.'

Passion and Purity (p47), Elisabeth Elliot

Something's missing

Since talking through some of the stuff I've been reading in 'How to get a date worth keeping' by Henry Cloud, I've discovered one of the things that agitates me about the book so far - it seems to focus on what I (emphasis on I) can do, rather than what God can do.

I believe we do also play our part, but I also believe we should be seeking God's guidance, and talking to Him about the decisions we make, big and small. I'm guessing Elisabeth Elliot will focus more on this 'missing' aspect, and perhaps Henry will later in the book.

I do appreciate his emphasis on learning to enjoy the journey though, to relax and have fun, and to accept that this will involve taking risks. I guess I want those to be risks that I take with God, rather than on my own to simply satisfy my own desires.

Sharing life

This week has highlighted the great privilege it is to share life with friends - to be supported by some beautiful women of God.

I remember on a Vision Valley Camp with some of my best friends back in our school days, one of our leaders shared Hebrews 10:24-25 with us, about the importance of meeting together as God's people and encouraging and building each other up. This week I've seen the practical application of this verse as a number of friends have reached out to me, some without me having mentioned anything to them about what's happening in my life. An email from a good friend, a cuppa with another friend, a 'you've been on my heart' text message arriving at just the right time, and another cuppa with a great new friend who's been praying for me and the girls. I love the way God works!

It's so exciting being able to share life together, to talk about our struggles and our joys and to share what God's teaching us through all these, to think about how we can best serve Him with all He's given us, to pray for each other and to support each other so we can then reach out to others with God's love... to get into God's word together and think about it's practical application in our lives.

It occurred to me this afternoon how often we miss out on these opportunities because our lives are so busy. What a privilege to have friends, particularly friends who've been walking the journey of life a little longer, to spur us on in our walk with God. I think we need to pray for a willingness to invest in the lives of others, and for wisdom in juggling all the different priorities in life so we can make time to do this.

Laboratory of Learning

So I got sucked in to the Koorong 20% off sale - decided it'd be a good opportunity to buy a new book now that uni's finished for the year. Ended up buying both Passion & Purity (Elisabeth Elliot) and How to Get a Date Worth Keeping (Henry Cloud), which are both probably at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to relationships/dating. I also couldn't resist buying the latest Every Day with Jesus titled 'Soaring above the storm', I enjoy Selwyn Hughes writing and thought it'd be good to have a more directed devotional for a while.

I've started reading Cloud's book and so far my hackles are up and I'm not convinced it's going to be the world's most helpful book. But as a wise old man shared last night one of the keys as Christians is humility and being prepared to listen to other people's perspectives on God's Word and to ask God to reveal His truth to us, rather than assuming we're right. I'm not even sure what I believe when it comes to this issue anyway!

It's funny how your views change over time. Years ago I went out with a few guys just on one or two 'dates' and it was fun (mostly anyway!), though I wasn't particularly keen to develop a long-term relationship with a few of them from the start, the date/s gave me the opportunity to confirm that, rather than just writing them off. Now things are different. I guess there are less opportunities when you've got kids - a single mum probably isn't particularly desirable, if I were a guy I'd be looking and praying for a single woman who hadn't been married before and didn't have kids.

Anyhow, I digress. Many of Cloud's comments raise questions and concerns for me. He writes this pledge:

'I will date as an end in and of itself. I will not longer see dating as a place only to find a mate, but as a place to grow, experience, and serve other people. It is my new laboratory of learning, growth and experience.'

Laboratory?!!!! It sounds terrible!!!!! I guess all relationships are that to some degree, but for some reason it doesn't seem fair in a 'dating' relationship.

I'm all for growth and learning, and relationships are an important part of this, but I'm still not convinced that we should 'use' dating in this way. It sort of turns it all around as though to say it's all about me, which it shouldn't be at all. It should be about mutual enjoyment, encouragement and growth.

He also writes, 'I advised her to look at a date as an activity to get to know someone and spend time doing something fun, with no pressure.' I think this is good - being free to relax and be able to be yourself rather than having to put on some sort of dating fascade.

Cloud gives an example of a divorced woman who in his view needed to date for the sake of learning so that she could improve her ability to pick a good man, rather than jumping into a relationship where she felt 'in love'. I somehow doubt that dating would help her on this front!!! She's just as likely to fall 'in love' with the first person she dates. I'm sure it's a whole lot more complex than that.

Anyhow, I'm sure Cloud is a very wise man, I'm not meaning to give him a hard time, I'm just wanting to think carefully about his recommendations and figure out how I can best glorify God in this area of my life if there's an opportunity to in the future, which I'm hoping there will be! :)

in six months or your money back

On the topic of dating, a friend sent me a message yesterday recommending a book by Henry Cloud, 'How to get a date work keeping'. Googled the book and the caption is 'Be dating in six months or your money back'. Now that I've seen that part I'm not sure I'm so keen to read the book - yeah, I love the idea of it happening in six months if it's the right person and if that's God's timing, but I don't want to be just dating anybody for the sake of dating. My suspicion is that six months probably won't be God's timing either if the past is anything to go by.

Anyone else read this book, or Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliott?

A HOT Relationship

A friend shared with me a phrase he came up with a few years ago - 'For a HOT relationship you need Honesty, Openness and Trust'. He also suggested adding 'Courage, endurance and a thick skin' now that he's been married for a few years. I like it. He's a top bloke, and she's a top 'gal. I'm pretty sure they have a HOT relationship.

Friendship

I've been thinking a lot about friendship of late. It's amazing how much you learn out of a broken relationship. Still so much to learn, but I'm learning more about what I value in a friendship, and what I potentially bring to a friendship. I guess mistakes are an opportunity to reflect, and think about how you’d like to do things differently in the future.

One of my best friends was the first person I phoned after finding out some pretty devastating news last year, and she offered to come and spend the night with me - it meant so much to have her there, to be able to cry with her, have her pray with me, and just be together. I was talking with her about friendship yesterday, particularly in relation to guy/girl friendships, and she reminded me that there will always be an element of risk in relationships, but that honesty is really important, knowing you can be up front with each other.

Friendship. Someone else suggested that appreciating friendship is learning to live in the moment – learning to value a person and their friendship for what we bring to each other’s lives in the here and now. Friendship. So many issues yet to be explored.

To date or not to date

The sermon on Sunday night was on relationships. I was hoping it’d be about relationships in general, but it seemed to focus on male/female relationships. I was a bit worried about it being a little too close to home, and how I’d react – sure enough my reaction was pretty much as I expected, had a good old cry.

Something else that stood out in that book ‘Boy meets girl’ was a comment that the girl in one of the stories had to learn to submit her emotions to God. Sometimes I hate my emotions!!!!

Why do I have to spill the beans when I’m interested in a guy, and ruin a potential friendship? Why do I then avoid him like the plague?

After church a friend and I were chatting about the idea of dating and she recommended a book by Henry Cloud. She said that in it he suggests going on as many dates as possible, and that going on a date doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get married. True. But initially my reaction was one of caution - I’m not sure it’s such a good idea, especially in my situation now. This idea might also be easier for people who are extroverts, and people who thrive on building new relationships, and for those who are more easily able to remain objective (and not overly emotional). Maybe it's the term 'date' that I have a problem with as it sounds more like a commitment, even though I guess it's not necessarily.

Not even sure why I’m worrying about it really – it’s not like there are opportunities jumping out at me ;-)

Instrumental vs Relational

I really dislike reading papers and books put together by intellectuals. Words for the sake of words bug me. It's good to challenge your thinking, but a lot of documents put together by intellectuals seem to only challenge your thinking if you think hard enough to figure out the language they use, and then what they're trying to say.

Unfortunately uni love these kinds of documents. I was reading one of them today for maths curriculum and the author referred to this idea of instrumental understanding and relational understanding. I won't try and explain it here, I kind of struggled my way through it. But it made me think about relationships with other people and how the internet could be considered a tool that provides us with instrumental understanding. We learn about each other through emails, blogs, facebook, online dating services. It's the quick way to build a picture, but it's not the full picture, it's only a tiny glimpse of the picture and the picture someone wants us to see.

Relationships the way they should be are based on relational understanding. Sounds kind of obvious but I think the internet prevents us from gaining this kind of understanding of other people. I've fallen into the 'trap' - not that I'm blaming the internent, I'm the one who decided to use it!!

Where to from here? Stop writing on my blog? Stop using facebook? Remove my profile from the sites I've signed up to? I don't necessarily think I need to do that at this point, but perhaps limit my use of them, and focus on trying to gain better 'relational' understanding of others, outside of the internet.