My Provider

Tonight I came home to a lovely surprise - a beautiful bunch of flowers and an encouraging card - from one of my best friends. She's been a great support, especially this year.

Then been reflecting on some verses from Hosea.

"... stay away from idols! I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you. I am like a tree that is always green, all your fruit comes from me." Hosea 14:8

Sometimes I think maybe I make relationships a bit of an idol. I can almost put them before God sometimes, and want these relationships to provide the fulfillment I so desperately desire. I need to be careful that they are not my idol. God did create us for relationship with each other too, so I'm not saying relationships aren't important in any way, just that God must come first. Anything that comes before Him becomes an idol.

God is the one who provides for my every need, who enables me to produce fruit in every season, the good and the bad. I need to depend on Him. He is the one who is consistent.

On a lighter note, this morning we had an 'eventful' start to our day when we arrived at the shops. Neither of the girls would sit in the pram, and Lucy insisted on me holding her. So I put the pram on the travelator and without thinking let go to help Sarah get on, but I'd forgotten to put the brakes on the pram so it kept flying down, hurtling towards the lady in front. I was desperately yelling out to her, "Excuse me, look out, there's a pram coming.... sorry!!!", but it was like one of those horrible nightmares where you're screaming but no-one can hear you. Finally she turned around, at the last possible moment, just like in a movie, and grabbed the pram. Phew!

Sarah said, "Oh no, Mummy, our pram!!". I told her I wasn't really worried about the pram, I was worried about the lady. Thankfully she was fine.

In it for the long haul

Today I was talking to my Dad and a friend about seeing the long-term value in relationships. We were thinking in the context of the Kids Hope program my friend and I are both involved with. Dad reminded me that especially in our instant society, it's so easy to get caught up in seeing results and making things happen immediately, that we often don't invest time and energy in things that will last longer-term.

It's as we share life's journey over the long haul that we really get to support each other. Some of the friendships I treasure the most (apart from my Mum!) are with friends I see nowhere near as often as I'd like, some every few months, and some even every few years, but we've walked through some tough stuff together, and we know we can talk to each other openly and honestly about life. We know we can pick up where we left off and continue to support each other. But those relationships took time to develop in the beginning.

2 Peter 3:8 says, "With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day". Yeah, God's timing is very different to ours.

Lord, teach me to be patient. Teach me to treasure the things that you treasure, to spend time with people, building relationships and sharing life together.

Abounding in Love

Yipee, the girls are both asleep, and it's not even 8.30pm... It seems like such a long time since Sarah's been asleep before 10pm - Sarah and day sleeps mean bad news for me. So I'm looking forward to sitting down and enjoying a cup of tea in front of the television... and enjoying some treats (ice-cream, chocolate, chips - maybe all three?!). Unfortunately I'm also back on antibiotics... I think it's the same sinus infection that is just very persistent... Nurofen Plus is great stuff though.

This morning a good friend encouraged me with Psalm 103, which she'd been reading in her devotion, it's yet another great Psalm. The highlight for me today was verse 8:

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love."

I also read another encouraging article about worshiping God in every season, even the tough ones!

Yet I Will Rejoice

Just reading my favourite verses again from Habbakuk 3:17-19. I feel like I can relate to Habbakuk a bit.

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, YET I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD, I will be joyful in God my Saviour. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on to the heights."

I look at Habbakuk's situation and see little hope. But instead of just looking at his situation and feeling depressed, he turns to God and finds his joy in Him. I need to do the same, but I have to admit I'm not good at it. I often spend more time worrying about my situation.

"Yet I will rejoice."

I've reflected on this passage many times before, but I seem to keep forgetting what God's taught me. I need to be constantly reminded of my need to look to God and find my joy in Him alone, to fall at His feet and to worship Him, rather than to focus on my situation.

Here's what I wrote earlier this year, after a few months of this difficult season, or maybe that's when I last revisited it? Maybe I'd written it a year or so before? The document properties tell me I created it in 1904, I don't think so!

*****

My heart’s desire is that in any and every situation I find myself in, I will say these four significant words that were so wonderfully penned by Habakkuk: “Yet I will rejoice”.

To better understand the significance of these four words, we need to know what was happening in Habakkuk’s life at the time he wrote them.

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on to the heights.

For the director of music. On my stringed instruments.” Habakkuk 3:17-19

At first glance, it doesn’t seem like Habakkuk has much to rejoice in at all. In fact his situation seems pretty dire. But, you see, it’s not Habakkuk’s situation that causes him to rejoice, it’s God! It’s God, His Saviour, who makes Him joyful. It’s God, His Sovereign Lord, who is his strength. It’s God who makes his feet like the feet of a deer and enables him to go on to the heights. It’s all about God! Yes, because of God he can rejoice.

And because of God we can rejoice. If I look at the situation I find myself in, I may be far from rejoicing, but if look to God, my Strength, I want to rejoice!

Four simple words. Simple, yet so significant.

Yet I will rejoice. Despite my situation. No matter what is happening around me. Regardless of how I feel. YET I will rejoice.

Yet I will rejoice. My relationship with God is a personal one. In response to who He is, I will rejoice.

Yet I will rejoice. It’s my choice. I choose to rejoice. No strings attached. It’s not a maybe, if I feel like it. I WILL rejoice.

Yet I will rejoice. Rejoice isn’t a word we use so often anymore. The dictionary defines it like this ‘feel or show great joy’. People will look and see the joy in my eyes. Yet, I will REJOICE!

Thanking God Together

Today Sarah reminded me the importance of simply saying "thanks to God", and doing it together. As we were about to drive off in the car, she said, "Mummy, let's thank God together". Not sure whether it was because she and Lucy were both eating an apple, and we usually "thank God together" before we eat. But whatever the reason, it was a great reminder.

Even when we experience tough situations, God is close beside us. I found that as we thanked God together, I felt a peace that God was and is in control and that He is good... that yeah life is tough, but God is close beside me. That in Him I have everything I need. That He alone renews my strength.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I have everything I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honour to His name. Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me. Your rod and Your staff protect and comfort me..." Psalm 23

Thank You Father God for my two beautiful girls. Thanks that even at two and a half Sarah can be a great example to me. Thanks for her reminder to thank You together. Help us to do that more often!

I'm not alone

The more I think about it, the more I think most of us can relate to Jesus' words, "My God, my God why have You forsaken me?". One of the definitions of loneliness is "sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned". I think we've all experienced this feeling of being forsaken to one degree or another, we're just not often prepared to admit it.

This is a bit of a scary blog to write, but I like honesty, and I think we'd all be able to support each other much better if we were more honest with each other, and ourselves. I think the definition above of loneliness is something we can experience even when others are around us - we don't have to be completely "alone" as such to feel lonely. I've got lots of great support, but that doesn't take away my feeling of loneliness.

This afternoon Mum and I took the girls to the shops and they were both very stroppy, so we just got some meat and came straight back home. Mum said she'd take the girls to the park so that I could have a rest, but I said I wouldn't be able to rest anyway. She said I could just have a lie on the couch and a coffee, and I said I didn't want to have a coffee... after having a good old cry when I walked in the door, and reflecting on some Psalms in my Psalms Journal, I realised that I think the reason I was so upset and against the idea is that I didn't want to be alone. I think it's highlighted what I'm already feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful to Mum for giving me a break. I'm just exploring why I responded the way I did.

But I'm not alone. Psalm 23 is a reminder that I'm not alone, though I may feel lonely, abandoned or forsaken, God is close beside me.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I have everything I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honour to His name. Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me. Your rod and Your staff protect and comfort me..."

Yeah, what an awesome Psalm.

Thank You God that You are my Strength and my Guide, that You let me rest and give me peace. Thank You that I don't need to be afraid because You're close beside me, protecting and comforting me.

Hope

Tonight I was sitting on the lounge reading "I Love You Through and Through" and a few Mr Men and Little Miss stories with Sarah (her favourite books). She had another day sleep today, which means her batteries were fully recharged, and she's still chatting now (almost 10pm)!! I wish my batteries could be recharged as quickly as hers!

We heard a knock at the door, and as I opened it I heard a baby, and wondered who on earth it would be at that time of night, unscheduled... standing at the door was a group of girls from Hornsby Baptist Church Youth Group and Charlotte (Jo and Aaron's little bub), who'd come down with a bunch of flowers and a gift box full of goodies for the girls and I. The best part was a note with their names and a message:

"For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord. "They are plans for a future and a hope. In these days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." Jeremiah 29:11-13

I cried as Sarah and I opened the box and saw all the effort they'd gone to. I experienced God's hope anew. My mentor was sharing with me about hope this morning, and a picture that George Frederick Watts painted of a blind-folded woman playing a lyre with every string broken, but one... the painting is titled "hope", even though to many the picture looks rather hope-less, the woman had hope because of that one string.

Hope. God knows the plans He has for me. His plans are far better than any than I could ever imagine... though that doesn't mean that things will be easy... but His plans are for a future and and a HOPE.

Father God, thank You for renewed hope. Thank You for friends who extend Your love and remind me of Your promises... tonight's being the promise of hope.

Delightfully unpredictable?

I forgot another thing I love to do is have my hair done... but it doesn't happen that often, when you're a Mum other things usually take priority. It's harder to make time for it, and to justify the $.

Anyway, this afternoon I had my hair done. The hair-dresser was a bit 'scissor happy' - I was a bit scared when she was using those scissors - she was trying to layer my hair and there seemed to be lots of hair flying across the room. She explained what she was going to do and I mentioned how I've never really had anything other than a bob, and that I like it that way, that I'm not one to try something really different and wild. She kept assuring me I'd really like it when she was finished. I was sooooo scared... in the end it turned out OK, a slight variation on what I usually get, but I'm happy with it. Phew!

Makes me ponder about life again... I think secretly I'm a bit scared of what God might do with my life. Difference is, I didn't know the hairdresser from a bar of soap, but I see very clearly in the Bible and through my life experience so far that God is a God I can trust, who is faithful and loves us immensely, who created us and knows us intimately.

A friend recently wrote that she's finding life "delightfully unpredictable", which I decided was difficult for me as a J in Myers-Briggs. I'm not convinced these two words can go together. I personally find delight in predictability! But maybe as I entrust myself into God hands and trust Him completely, I might find that life can truly be "delightfully unpredictable"! Unpredictable to me anyway. Maybe I can take delight in God's plan, unpredictable as it may be, and maybe I can be thankful that He reveals each step as I need to take it!

Lord, help me to let go and trust You completely, knowing that You have the best plan for my life. Help me to delight in the life You've given me.

Loving Life

Tonight we had dinner at Mum and Dad's - I'm really enjoying having them home again. Often when we're there the girls like to put on their fairy dresses, and when we leave there's often a major protest when I tell them that we should leave the fairy dress at Mum and Dad's... so I often give in and just let them wear it home.

That meant that tonight, Sarah fell asleep in her fairy dress on the way home. Didn't bother her in the least.

Made me think, isn't it great to be able to enjoy even the simple things in life? Then I thought, what are some of the simple things in life that I enjoy? Think I've been a bit caught up in pondering the tough stuff, even though that's been important.

I love

• Hearing the girls giggle - this afternoon I was flipping them / getting them to do summersaults and they absolutely loved it and laughed their heads off. When they were in the bath, Lucy did a boop and that put them both in hysterics too. I love a good belly laugh.
• Cooking, especially desserts - sticky date's probably my favourite.
• Singing and playing piano, worshiping God through song, and listening to good music.
• Journalling - I'm enjoying blogging, although I think I'll enjoy it more when more friends start commenting on my blogs and creating their own blog.
• Having deep conversations about life... pondering together.
• Walking along the beach at night and looking at the stars - would love to take the girls to do this sometime when it's warmer.
• Going to the zoo (although I did vow after our recent visit not to go back for another ten years as it was very exhausting and stressful by the end of the day... I'm sure in a few years it'll be better).
• Panda coming up to me for a cuddle, rubbing his head against my leg and purring to show he's happy.
• Reading a good book that encourages/challenges/inspires me.

Paul Coleman Trio sing "I'm gonna love this life You've given me", "...You taught me to see there's so much more to this life than what I see, You're the love of my life, You're the reason I'm me, You're the Light of my world, I receive".

The next edition of the magazine's just gone out to churches, and we set the theme for this one around the Jesus. All about life campaign. Yeah, Jesus is all about life. He offers us new life and hope, not just when things are good, but when things are tough. Actually, I think it's in the tough stuff that we realise this truth at it's best, that Jesus is as He said Himself, "The Way, the Truth and the Life" and that He came so we could have life to the full.

Lord, help me to love this life You've given me. Help each of us to see that Jesus was and is all about life, that only through Him can we find our real purpose in life.

Focus

In my devotion recently I was reading Chuck Swindoll's thoughts about where our focus in life should be. He writes, "In this life, we have focus choices. We can focus on ourselves, we can focus on our circumstances, we can focus on other people, or we can focus on God. When you think biblically you focus first on God. Regardless of what you want, regardless of what others say or think, regardless of how you feel, God and God alone is working out His great plan. And in the final tally, it will be fabulous!"

Yeah, I'm grateful to God for reminding me, not just through His Word, but also through friends and family, that He is working out His great plan. I need to keep my eyes fixed on Him and Him alone... but this isn't easy and my memory can be very poor at times, so I think that's why God calls us to remind each other to fix our eyes on Him, to share our stories (struggles and testimonies of God's faithfulness), to support each other, and to pray for each other. He knows it's hard for us to do it alone.

As I focus on God, I see His holiness, His greatness - how awesome He is. I see how undeserving I am of His love, how unholy I am, and how amazing His love is that He would choose to love me despite my unworthiness, as Isaiah realises in Chapter 6 when he sees the Lord.

As I focus on God, I realise that without Him I am nothing, but with Him I have everything I need. All because of His grace. What an amazing God!

Strength Like No Other

It's so great that Mum and Dad are back after a whole month overseas. I really missed them, even at 28!! They have been the most amazing support.

I was hoping to get to Church with the girls tonight, but Sarah's still not well, so I was thinking we'd have to stay home. But Mum said she'd look after them so I could go to Church - even with little sleep and after lots of traveling over the last few days she still wanted to help, she's such an amazing Mum!

Tonight was a time of God just ministering to me. Through communion God reminded me that His own Son asked, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" That He knew pain and suffering, He experienced it Himself. I was also reminded that because of Jesus I can now sing, "You are my Strength, Strength like no other reaches to me". Tonight was also a night of feeling past hurts and struggling with some deep questions, questions that I needed to bring to God, to lay at His feet, and to remember that He is truly my Strength.

Father thank You that You understand pain and suffering, that You sent Jesus so I can know You... so that my sins can be forgiven... so that I can be given new life... so that I can know that You are my Strength. Take my pain and hurt, and in my weakness, be my Strength.

A Heart Like His

I'd forgotten about this excellent book that a friend from Texas, who stayed with our family for a couple of weeks about 15 years ago, highly recommended. I find it's easy reading (not too techy), and it's been so encouraging. I think it was good reading it earlier in life before I had much life experience, but it's also great reading it again now, having been through some pretty tough life experiences - it's now even more relevant and encouraging.

Rebecca Manley Pippert is the author and she looks at the life of David and his humanness and love for God. She writes (p11), "David did not plaster on a saccharine smile... Instead, he wept until he could weep no more, and then he 'strengthened himself in the Lord'. David danced; he cried; he made mistakes; he had trouble with his children; he expressed his pain, his fear, his confusion and anger with raw honesty to God. How we need David's example of earthly spirituality! His humanity strengthened his faith and made it easier to trust God. And as he trusted God, he became more like God."

Perhaps this is where my passion for the Psalms first grew? I love the Psalms for that very reason - they express heart-felt pain, confusion, mourning and at the same time, gratitude, praise and thankfulness to God for who He is and for His faithfulness. They display the messiness and ugliness of life lived with a strong confidence that we are walking with a faithful, loving, 100% reliable God.

That's what I want my girls to see. A Mum who, like David, comes to God questions and all, tears and all, and acknowledges that life is tough, but who goes on to thank God for the amazing God that He is, for His steadfast love, for being my Refuge and Solid Rock, for providing for my every need, and for giving me strength to face the trials in life.

Lord, may Sarah and Lucy know come to Your faithfulness for themselves. May they see that its OK, and even important, to bring everything to You, to come to You just as we are, hurts and all. May they be able to praise You for who You are, for Your love and faithfulness. You are amazing God.

Contentment

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

So what exactly is the secret to being content that Paul is talking about? He goes on to say, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:11b-13)

Hmmm. Says it all. I'd love to be able to say this as Paul did. But I don't know that I can all the time... I might be aware in my head that I can do all things through Jesus who gives me strength, but I don't necessarily let this truth affect my heart and change my attitude.

I wrote a song based on these verses a few years back, and it still fits really.

"In this land where my heart feels weak

Shadows overwhelm

But the darkness is I see, is taken away

As I look to the Light of the world

Whether in want or in plenty

My soul can find new strength

As I look to You, Lord

I find my peace

Through You I am content

There is a secret to being content

Found in You alone

As Your Spirit is working to help me change

I trust in all of Your ways

In everything I do

Lord, give me Your strength

So that I might honour You"

Debris

So if yesterday was a sun-scorched land, today only debris remains... back to the Doctor again this morning, this time for Sarah - she has an ear infection so is now on antibiotics too. The good part is that she was so excited to see the Doctor, not scared in the least. Lucy was excited to get two opportunities to dip her hand in the lolly jar, and she's now figured out how to grab a whole handful of lollies, cheaky!

Poor Sarah's been in a lot of pain today, and then fell asleep at around 4pm. I thought seeing as she was sick she might sleep through from then, but of course she woke a while after Lucy had gone to bed, and has only just gone to sleep... big sigh.

Tonight's another one of those times I have to choose to look not at my circumstances but to God's character - to His faithfulness, to His love, to His promises in His Word. Yeah, life really is tough sometimes.

Sun-scorched land

I feel a bit like I'm in a sun-scorched land. It's making me weary. But God promises to satisfy my needs, to be my Strength. What a great God He is. Unfortunately, knowing this doesn't make the road easy and pain-free, but it does make it more bearable.

So where to from here? Only God knows. He will guide me ALWAYS.

Lord, I'm trusting You. Be my Guide, continue to satisfy my needs and be my Strength as you promise in Your Word.

Isaiah 58:11

The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

My Strength

Why is it that whenever I have the opportunity to go to bed early, my mind doesn't want to stop 'pondering'?! The girls both went to sleep by 6pm tonight, which is a lovely change from the last few nights. Unfortunately my head's still throbbing and, based on the last few lots of antibiotics I've had for sinus infections this winter, the antibiotics probably won't kick in for a couple of days yet.

A great friend of mine, who's like an Aunty, sent me something really encouraging that she'd written after reflecting on a couple of Psalms in her devotion this morning. Made me cry... yeah, again... and it's not even that time of the month... maybe I enjoy crying? This is what she wrote:

"I'm right here. You think I'm distant. You think I'm not hearing your cries but I hear everything - know everything - go through everything with you yet I must allow you to endure this suffering for my sake. You don't see the big picture but I do and if I didn't allow you to go through this then I couldn't use you in the way I want to in the future. You wouldn't be the vessel I want to use for my glory. Be strong. Remember I am so very close. I love you, created you and understand you like no-one else can. Remember what my son went through on the cross. Even He thought I had forsaken Him but I needed Him to go through all that for my glory and for my purposes and plan. Rejoice in that in your suffering and pain, glory and honour will be brought to my name. My hand will uphold you - My strength is yours, My loving arms surround you ALWAYS!
BE STRONG."

Thanks Father for prompting others to share words of encouragement, and thanks for friends and family who listen to Your voice, and follow your promptings. Thanks that You are my Strength, and that Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Life is tough

I've said it many times before, and I'm sure I'll say it again in the future, life is really tough sometimes. The last few nights have been especially rough with the girls and I being sick. Very late Sunday night I phoned my brother Nick to ask if they'd pray for us - Sarah continued coughing and vomiting that night when I got back from Church, and I was just so exhausted. He and Phoebe (or FeFe as the girls call her) have been such a huge support - she said she'd come over. I said she didn't need to do that, but she said she'd love to help out so that I could get some rest. So she came and spent the night with us. It was a shocker with Sarah continuing to cough and not going to sleep till 1am!! Then continually waking with more and more coughing. Then there was the mound of washing in the morning...

This morning we went to the Doctor (again... you can tell you've been too often when your children are so excited to see him. Lucy loves it because she always scores lollies. When he offers the jar, she reaches in and grabs a handful, not just one. He just laughs.). It looks like I've got another sinus infection. So back onto antibiotics again... no wonder my head's been aching so much.

Last night, Aunty Ruth popped in after dinner as I was balling my eyes out, really feeling that "life is tough sometimes"! She's been a huge support too, and said as many friends have of late that they'd love to be able to do more to help. I think the hardest part is dealing with the emotional stuff that no-one can really deal with for you. She reminded me to lean on God, that though sometimes it may feel like He's forsaken us, He hasn't, He's there waiting to carry us through, that He's moulding us and shaping us, and that He sees the big picture.

Psalm 55:2 says "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you".

Lord, help me to cast my cares on You. Sustain me and give me Your strength. Thanks for my amazing family and friends who are a reminder that You really do care for us.

Please no more coughing

Poor Sarah's cough is very bad, and unfortunately when she coughs a lot she has a habit of vomiting. Thankfully she's not phased by it, she just splurts it out and says very matter-of-factly, "Mummy, I did a vomit". When I ask if she's alright, she usually replies, "Yes, Mummy, I'm alright". Then occasionally, "I'm going to do another vomit".... great...

So had to clean up my first round of chunder and bath her again just before I headed off to music rehearsal. Why is that children so often vomit all over the doona, and rugs that are the most difficult to clean and take the longest to dry? Then, as a welcome home, oh actually no she did give me a hug first, but soon after started coughing, and... bleergh. I love you too. Thankfully only got my jumper, and then I managed to whisk her into the kitchen to finish the next five or six. She's quite happy to vomit - certainly didn't get that from her mother, I hate vomiting!

So an eventful evening on the whole really... and on that note I'm ready for a cup of tea and a rest. Feeling very tired. Please no more coughing, I'd love some sleep.

Fun at the Zoo

So, considering we went with three toddlers under two and a half, our day at the zoo was fun - it was great having my Pa and Grandma with us, I don't think I would have survived on my own, in fact I'm sure I wouldn't have!

I'm so excited that I managed to make it to the zoo by car all by myself. which is amazing considering my lack of navigational skills! I then made it home again in the afternoon which is even more surprising. The only potentially bad part is that I went through the "etoll" only thing between Chatswood and somewhere like Neutral Bay? (see, I'm so good with geography!!), and I don't have an etag. I did it on the way over and the way back, as that's the route Google Maps suggested, so I'm guessing I might get fined for that? And twice? Hopefully not - I didn't hear any 'beeps' or see any booth like things, but maybe they're not as obvious now? There was a phone number listed on the signs that I'll contact to check it out.

I particularly enjoyed the elephants - we saw one performing tricks, kicking a soccer-ball, standing on two legs, spraying everyone with water. He was very impressive and made me laugh. I was getting tired by that point so it was nice to be able to 'relax' a bit, Sarah loved it too and Lucy was asleep in the pram by that point (yipee!)! I also enjoyed a proper coffee which my Pa bought for me at lunch-time which was a nice treat. It was really good being able to just chase after just one of the girls, rather than both of them, and not having to push the pram at the same time. Pa and Grandma usually fight over who will push the pram - it's nice to get a break.

Sarah fell asleep in the car on the way home after screaming for a while. As we left the zoo and she was screaming, I asked if I could have a tantrum too, and she said no. Oh to be two again. I almost fell asleep as I drove home (only when we were stopped at the lights - I don't close my eyes when I drive). So Sarah's still asleep now which is a worry. She is still sick, but day sleeps and Sarah don't mix, her batteries recharge very quickly. I'm hoping she'll sleep through from now - if she wakes, she'll no doubt be up till early tomorrow morning at this rate!

Thanks Lord for a great day of fun with my two special girls, my fabulous grandparents and our good friends. Thanks that we could enjoy looking at all the different animals you created. You are amazing God.

Scared

This is terrible I know, but I'm so scared about finding my way in to the zoo tomorrow. I'm hopeless with geography, and it's even harder to navigate with two toddlers in the back of the car. I've printed off maps from Google and will have my street directory, but unfortunately I'm missing the skill that enables me to effectively use them.

I'm sure the girls will love it though, so that'll make it worth it. We're going with my grandparents and some friends. I think I'm also stressing because the girls are having troubles sleeping again tonight - it's so hard sometimes! It's also going to be exhausting tomorrow. But I know I need to learn to relax and enjoy life.

Beyond my understanding

Lots of things are beyond my understanding, but probably the greatest is the way that God works and why things in my life have happened the way they have.

Proverbs 20:24 says, "A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?" (NIV) or in the New Living Translation, "How can we understand the road we travel? It is the Lord who directs our steps."

I still don't understand how God's will and plan fits in with the freedom he gives us to choose, and I'm guessing I never will with my limited human understanding. But I do know that I can completely trust God and that maybe I need to relax in that a little more, rather than being so worried about figuring it all out. As Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will make your paths straight."

Lord, guide my steps and help me to relax and trust You as You guide me, to stop being so worried about figuring it all out.

Be Still

I was talking to Mike (one of our Pastors) about the question I blogged about on relaxing/resting, and he reminded me of Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God", that God commands us to be still. It came up in the context of motherhood, especially the situation I'm currently in, and the fact that it's difficult to make time to be still. I'm also a real doer and so don't allow myself to be still (she says as she types... doing something, of course).

I'm not good at being still. I love the song Steven Curtis Chapman wrote on the topic, Be still and know that He is God - another song that I have cried listening to many times over the last few years. Yeah, I'm inclined to be a little emotional. He sings:

Be still and know that He is God

Be still and know that He is holy

Be still oh restless soul of mine

Bow before the prince of Peace

Let the noise and clamor cease

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful
Consider all that He has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still

Be speechless

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know He is our Father
Come rest your head upon His breast
Listen to the rhythm of
His unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still

Father, help me to be still, to know that You are God, that You are my God. Help me to come to you with my restless soul, to let the noise and clamour cease, to be still, to know that You will never change, to know Your unfailing heart of love. Help me to cast aside my desire to get on and "do" and to enjoy being in relationship with You.

Dirty Cat!

The girls are both sick. I am too, but the kitchen floor really needed to be cleaned tonight... it's been more than a week since I last cleaned it and that's a really long time with two toddlers, especially Lucy who is a particularly messy eater, and a cat! When I pulled out the mop head I was thinking how foul the smell of cat wee is, then took a quick whiff of the mop head and nearly vomited.

I got Panda a new litter tray last week that's like a house - it has a 'roof' and little door so he can go inside and do his business. But he wasn't very keen on the idea. The next day I found a poo under the ironing board, which wasn't too painful to clean up. But I didn't discover his wee till tonight - he'd obviously decided my cleaning bag with the mop head, duster, etc. was a great spot to go to the toilet (about a week ago!). I'm surprised no-one has commented when they've visited us, our house must wreak!! Needless to say I've given the floor, and my cleaning bag, a thorough clean now. The refreshing smell of Pine-o-clean will forevermore be associated with the stench of cat wee - lovely.

This morning I met the little girl I'll be mentoring as part of the Kids Hope program. We got to spend an hour reading together and sharing a bit about our families and stuff. I enjoyed it and she seemed to as well.

Now I'm sitting here really tired, looking forward to watching "Mad About You" at 9.30pm, even though that's usually around my bed-time of late, but it was one of my favourite shows and I'm enjoying seeing it again (even though I probably should go to bed now to try and get better). I'm also missing Mum and Dad, missing chatting to Mum especially. But I'm grateful to God for so many other friends and family who have been a huge support to the girls and I. But no-one can take the place of your Mum, or your Dad.

How long?

David comes to God questions and all. He often expresses his emotions to God. But he always comes back to God's faithfulness, and praises God for who He is. What a great model.

Psalm 13 expresses my thoughts well tonight. Sorrow, questions and all, I trust in God's unfailing love, and I will sing to Him for He has been good to me.

¹ How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

⁴ my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

⁶ I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Exhausted

I'm utterly exhausted. I don't know that I've ever felt this exhausted, apart from after giving birth to the girls. But this is more emotional exhaustion than physical.

Today we had a training session for Kids Hope which was great, but more draining than I realised at the time. Some of the stories were a bit close to home. I was hoping to go to a coffee night for women from our church tonight, but I just feel too exhausted, and the girls have been having troubles going to bed, I think they sense my tension....

After being at the training all day, I came home and my grandparents and my brother (who are amazing and so supportive) were looking after the girls and I just felt like I needed to be alone, but of course I didn't have the guts to say it. I forgot how drained I get if I don't have time alone, especially after a fairly emotionally charged day.

I was wandering around the house not long ago hanging the washing, cleaning up after dinner, you know all the usual tasks, feeling cranky, agitated and exhausted, and said to Lucy, "You know, Lucy, God says He's my Refuge, but I sure don't lean on Him like I should. Why is that?" It's at times like this I'm so thankful to God for all my great friends and family who are praying for the girls and I, so that eventually I will give in to my stubbornness and turn to God.

I feel like I'm at my limit. I thought that verse in Corinthians (10:13) promised that God wouldn't let us be tested beyond what we can bear, but I've realised it says tempted in the NIV. In a sense they're similar words, but in another sense they're not. Either way, God does promise to give us rest.

I really need to come to Jesus, and let Him give me rest, just as God promises in Matthew, and that beautiful Chris Rice song (Come to Jesus) reminds me.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11: 28

Lord, I pray that when I feel exhausted and drained, weary and burdened, I would come to You so that you can give me rest as You promise You will... That my soul would find rest in You alone. Thank You Lord, that You give me rest.