Sunday, January 31, 2010

Planes Part III

I thought most planes travelled at the same (or at least a similar) speed. From my experience they usually travel fast. I guess if they didn't travel fast more people might consider flying by hot air balloon. But tonight on the way home I saw one taking it's time. It was a nice change.

Who am I?

I had an absolutely shocking day today - I definitely was not trusting God. I was worrying, over-analysing, and not taking my concerns to Him. I was so focussed on me that I didn't look to Him and His grace.

But tonight I was refreshed as I spent time worshipping God with others and hearing from His Word. I arrived 15 minutes late - the first time I remember being late to church in my life, and I couldn't stop crying. People were praying in groups and the tears kept coming. We sang a great new song about standing before Jesus just as I am, broken, and about Him extending His amazing grace.

The sermon was on Ephesians 1:3-14, and we explored a bit about our identity, and the blessings we have in Christ. I was reminded that my identity is in Christ.

It was at my lowest point where I felt utterly hopeless, and remembered that I have nothing to offer God, that He reached out His hand to me once again and said, "I love you, Alison. I died for you, Alison. Find your identity in me. Know that I love you immensely, more than you will ever know."

That's the hope Jesus offers each one of us. Who I am is hidden in Christ, my flaws, my failings, my hurts, my weakness, washed away by His blood. Now THAT is amazing love!!

Confusion

Feeling so confused. Still think a lobotomy might be a good solution.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Walking in the Rain

Went for a walk with my iPod shuffle tonight, and saw some beautiful stars again. Earlier tonight the clouds were amazing - a really unusual colour, God is so creative!

As I was walking a song by Steven Curtis Chapman off his This Moment Cinderella Edition was playing. It's called "Yours" and as I saw the beautiful trees and heard a few dogs barking, I was reminded that everything is God's, He is in control of everything - the good and the bad. I thought about some of the dark clouds that have been looming on and off today and thought if God wanted it to rain right then and there, He could make it rain. Then I thought of that great song, "Blessed be Your Name". Not long after, I felt a drop of rain and heard that exact song play on my iPod, and I was reminded that He gives and takes away, that He is God, He is Sovereign over absolutely everything.

It was just lightly sprinkling as the song started - I still had probably five minutes or so to walk back home, and at that point it was kind of refreshing. Just as I arrived at our street, it started absolutely pelting down so I ended up pretty wet, but it wasn't far to home then. The song playing then was "In Christ Alone"

What heights of love,
What depths of peace,
When fears are stilled when strivings cease,
My Comforter, My all in all,
Here in the love of Christ I stand


What an absolutely amazing God we have!

One step at a time

Took Sarah for another swim this afternoon, but was a bit more reluctant to get in as it felt cooler than it has the last few days when we've been in. Plus Dad and one of his mates were in the pool so I didn't necessarily need to get in. I did my usual stand on the top step and think to myself it's really cold, and initially told Sarah I couldn't go in any further. But I eventually got in, just slowly, one step at a time.

People often suggesting jumping straight in is easier, but I've found it's easier to take one step at a time and gradually ease myself in.

It felt warm once I was in, and especially once the sun came out from behind the clouds again.

The planes have been really loud still. Even this morning when I went with Mum to their old house I could hear planes - I don't really remember hearing them in Hornsby, but again maybe I just never noticed them.

I could sing of Your love forever

Lucy's usually up when the sun rises, and she loves to lie on the lounge drinking a bottle of milk, watching a DVD. This morning I pulled out one of her favourite DVDs, "Praises and Smiles" and asked if she'd like to watch that and she said yes. Often she doesn't want the first DVD I suggest, she usually says, "Not that curry", so I was surprised she was happy to watch it. I have no idea where the word curry came from but it's a word she uses interchangeably for lots of things. It's cute.

Anyway, back to the DVD. The first song to play was "I could sing of Your love forever", then "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord" and now, "Shout to the Lord"...

"All of my days I want to praise the wonders of Your mighty love. Power and majesty, praise to the King!! Mountains bow down and the seas will roar at the sounds of Your name, I sing for joy at the work of Your hands, forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand. NOTHING compares to the promise I have in You."


Praise God for the morning!! He is soooooo good!

And the song playing now...

"His Spirit turns our night to day. Hallelujah, God is love!"

Friday, January 29, 2010

Planes Part II

The planes have been so loud again today. A few times during the afternoon while the girls and I were in the pool we could actually see them too - one looked like some kind of jumbo jet, another had a red stripe along its base. At one point there was a helicopter.

Then tonight before heading to bed I was hoping to look at the stars. I lay on the lawn even though it was a bit wet and looked up. The sky was pretty dark and covered in clouds, and it started raining. Again I could hear the planes, and caught a glimpse of one plane's lights (there were only two lights - one on the end of either wing, at least I'm guessing that's where they were). But that was it for tonight.

As I've been lying in bed, trying to sleep, the planes have still been very loud. They seem to have been loud for at least a few days now. Perhaps I've just never noticed it before? They're not the reason I'm not sleeping though - just something I've noticed.

Stepping across the line

I've heard "City on our knees" on 103.2 quite a few times now. But this morning was the first time I really listened to the words. Wow.

What a great song about stepping across the line, and sharing Jesus' love with all people.

When interviewed by MusicChristian.com Tobymac had the following to say about the meaning of the song; "City on our Knees' is really about a moment. A moment that we all come together to a place where there’s no judgment, but really love. And we choose to recognize one God together... And in that moment judgment falls by the wayside, we choose to step across the line, whatever side we’re on. Love fills in the cracks and makes up the difference."


Jesus is the one who fills the cracks and makes up the difference. He brings us to the city with One King, so we can worship Him together, and fall on our knees in awe of Him.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Spectacular Sunset

About half an hour ago Mum and I saw the most spectacular sunset in Hornsby, even though the rest of the sky was dark from the storm. Didn't see it for long but it was stunning.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Nothing can separate us from God's love

NOTHING can separate us from His love.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."


Romans 8:38-39

Planes

The planes seem to be really noisy today. Every time I hear them (they are really loud) I look up and all I see is clouds. Actually, I did see a helicopter at Hornsby earlier today, but the rest of the day I've just heard lots of planes, without actually seeing them - I'm sure there usually aren't as many as there seem to have been today, or maybe there are but I just don't notice because they're usually fairly quiet.

It's not frustrating me or anything, just unusual.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Still clouds

I was disappointed tonight that as I looked up at the sky I couldn't see any stars. All I could see was clouds. This time the clouds weren't even moving, they were still. Even so, they were beautiful, but I really enjoy looking at the stars. Even the moon was hidden behind the clouds tonight - though I could see its light beaming from behind the clouds.

The other night the sky was absolutely full of stars. Well, it was tonight too, I just couldn't see them.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Moving Clouds Part II

Just been admiring the beautiful clouds moving gently across the sky.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Moving clouds

Yesterday while Sarah and I were in the pool we looked up at the sky and watched the clouds zipping across the sky, just before that big storm hit. It was pretty cool. I've never seen clouds move so fast.

Sometimes just looking up at the sky blows my mind. Especially at night when the stars are out. It's not often that I make time to admire the beautiful world we live in. I should do it more often.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Blog Overdrive

As a person who enjoys journaling and pondering and finds it a good way to process my thoughts, I think I've taken blogging a bit far and gone into Blog Overdrive.

I realised I've been writing stuff on my blog that I should be keeping in my personal journal. I was talking with Mum about this today and have since decided that I'll probably focus more on adding entries to my new blog, Pondering about Motherhood, for a while.

Swimming

Yesterday the girls and I went swimming with my friend Belinda and her little girl - we all had fun. So did Belinda's newborn bub who just lay on her mat beside the pool and kicked her legs around and gurgled here and there. The water was so warm that I actually walked straight in (very rare!). It was so refreshing.

Later that night when we saw Aunty Ruth, she asked Sarah whether she'd been for a swim, and Sarah said, "Yes, I went for a swim with my friend Mummy." She had to highlight the fact that she went swimming with me because it's so unusual - it's normally Dad who takes them in. I'm hopeless when it's cold.

All in all, I enjoyed our swim. We'll be going for another one very soon.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Being Still

Last night I enjoyed lying on our back lawn looking at the beautiful stars our amazing God created. I decided it was time to be still and know that He is God. There God encouraged me with the words from that old song "Be still and know that I am God". It says, "I am the Lord that healeth thee". He reminded me that He is the one who set those stars in their place and that I can trust Him completely... still not good at doing that though!!

Our God is so amazing - have you looked at the stars recently, the stars that He calls by name? They're incredible. What an incredible God who heals the brokenhearted.

"Praise the LORD. How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name." Psalm 147:1, 3,3

Pondering about Motherhood

I decided it'd be good to create a separate blog to this one, specifically about being a Mum. I'd love the opportunity to interact more with other blogging Mums and ponder together about our lives as Mums, and most of all to encourage each other that we're not alone in our struggles, and to share practical ideas about surviving motherhood.

As I've written on the new blog, I have no idea how frequently I'll post on it. As a person who likes structure and being systematic, all that kind of goes out the window when you're a Mum. Regardless of how often I post, I'd love it to be an interactive blog, to hear stories from other Mums and for us to be able to encourage and support each other.

You can check it out at Pondering about Motherhood.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

For all the Mums out there

Yep, it's a demanding, full-on job being a Mum. There are times I've felt so overwhelmed. Even now my youngest is sitting on my lap having just wee-d all over the bedroom floor trying to 'help' me on the computer. Then comes the tantrum for some unknown reason. She also wee-d all over her sheets, rug and pillow this morning too - the joys of toilet-training.

I've been listening to this CD by Steven Curtis-Chapman in my car this week, and every time I hear this particular song, I think all Mums should hear it. So here it is. Steven shares how he came to write the song before singing it, I found it really encouraging.

Hope it encourages you too - hang in there Mums, you are changing the world one heartbeat at a time.

One Heartbeat at a Time

You're up all night with a screaming baby
You run all day at the speed of life
And every day you feel a little bit less
Like the beautiful woman you are

So you fall into bed when you run out of hours
And you wonder if anything worth doing got done
Oh, maybe you just don't know
Or maybe you've forgotten

You, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time

With every "I know you can do it"
Every tear that you kiss away
So many little things that seem to go unnoticed
They're just like the drops of rain over time
They become a river

And you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
How you're changing the world
You're changing the world

You, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
Oh, I believe that you
You are changing the world
One little heartbeat
At a time

And you're changing the world

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Sarah's day

This afternoon Sarah was chatting to me about her day at school - it's fun listening to her stories and hearing what she's been up to.

Sarah talked about Lucy coming to play (she joined Sarah and her friends for a few hours as part of her orientation moving from the toddlers room to the big kids room) and said, "I cried when she went to the baby room cause I wanted my friend Lucy back." I didn't realise just how close they've become - though in the beginning it was full-on (and still is at times), I'm really thankful to God that there isn't much of an age gap between them, they are such good friends (though they do have good fights too!).

Later on I went to get Sarah another drink, and then thought I'd clean up a bit, but Sarah said to me, "Mummy, come on the lounge and I will tell you something else." How special - sitting beside my little girl and hearing her share about her day. I love being a Mum. It's challenging too, but also incredibly rewarding.

Feeling like a schmuck

"I felt like a schmuck because any worry over the tiny severed appendage on my intestine made me insensitive to the man who had just had his whole leg amputated. But my remorse was short-lived because despite the significance of his trauma, my tiny operation was the trauma that impacted me...

I don't know what role He has for you, but I know He has a role. His great passion is expressed in His Great Commission, and He has given it to messy, wimpy people like you and me. He has made us His ambassadors of reconciliation."


Stephen F Saint in Suffering and the Sovereignty of God, edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor. pp 114, 120

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Back to study

Seems I've been blogging an awful lot of late - perhaps it's loneliness? Anyway, I'm sure I'll settle back to a normal pace soon - I'm about to start studying primary teaching by distance. I'm really looking forward to it, though I'm sure it will be challenging too.

I guess this is the start of my new adventure book.

Broken

Here's another great song off Steven Curtis Chapman's This Moment Cinderella Edition CD.

I'm just a well dressed wreck
I'm just a made up mess
Working hard trying to keep everybody impressed
All the while I'm falling apart on the inside

I look around to see
Is anyone like me?
First glance tells me I'm all alone in the sea
Then I look again a little deeper

And we're all in the same boat
We all just need to know

We're all broken
We're all broken
And we all need a Savior
Broken
We're all broken
And we all need a Savior

'Cause we're all broken

This is a fool's parade
The way we masquerade
Trying to make everybody think it's all okay
When the truth is we're all living a story

What if we all got brave?
Enough to take away
All we're hiding behind even just for a day
And let the scars show even a little

But I know the honesty
Will show us all to be

Broken
We're all broken
And we all need a Savior
Broken
We're all broken
And we all need a Savior

We don't have to pretend about it
We don't have to keep acting like we're all okay
If we lift our eyes to the cross
We'll see the reality

That we're all... broken
And we all have a Savior
Broken
We're all broken
And we all need a Savior
Broken
We're all broken
And we all need a Savior
We all have a Savior
We all need Jesus

Monday, January 18, 2010

A New Little Life

Tonight Mum and I visited my cousin who had just delivered her first baby, a little boy, early this morning.

As we walked through the hospital, the smells brought back a few memories of giving birth to Sarah and Lucy, but particularly Sarah - it took me back to the week I was in hospital waiting for Sarah to arrive, not knowing how long I would be in there, and being scared for her safety. It also took me back to the moment I sang while I had my shower after giving birth to little Sarah, "I have known the Father's care for me, He's been good, He's been good, through it all He's always there for me, God's been good to me. Through the storm, through the night, come what may, everything will be alright. I have known the Father's care for me, yes, God's been good to me."

My cousin looked really relaxed, and not completely exhausted, which surprised me considering she'd given birth not that long ago! Her little boy was very cute with lots of hair - I had a little hold and was reminded just how precious each little life is, and what a creative God we have. I've already forgotten how tiny Sarah and Lucy were when they were born - Sarah was probably a little over half the size of the little bub I was holding.

I wondered what it must be like to have your newborn with you after giving birth to them, how wonderful it would be to be able to pick them up when they cry and to comfort them. I remembered the agony of leaving your newborn in a humidi crib and not being able to hold or touch her, of not being with her. And my babies weren't even as premature as many other babies are. But I also remember God reminding me that He was with my little girl, just as He was with me.

Today, another little life entered the world, a little life that is so special to God. He's a gorgeous little boy who God made unique and special. I'm really excited for my cousin and her husband - lots of special memories to be had.

Listening to His Voice

As I start to panic and wrestle with my thoughts again, God reminds me of last night's message. He reminds me to listen only to His voice. The passage the sermon was based on was John 10:1-21 where Jesus says He is the gate for the sheep.

"I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice." v1-5


I need to keep listening to the Good Shepherds voice, and His voice ALONE.

Bloggers Beware

So I had a panic after receiving a comment from "Semi Permanent" on Saturday. It actually upset me a bit and I was starting to wonder whether I should continue blogging until I showed Mum and Dad and they assured me it was just some company trying to advertise - they suspect the company picked up on a key word I'd put in my blog entry and used it as an advertising opportunity. If they actually read what I wrote they'd realise their ad was entirely inappropriate - I don't want surgery to fix scars, and certainly not self-harm scars!! I was writing metaphorically about scars, and how the marks of my pain are reminders of Jesus and His amazing love that has carried me this far.

I can't figure out to delete the comment though - it looks like unless I have comment moderation I can't remove it, and this only applies to future comments that haven't yet been made. Oh dear.

If anyone knows how I can remove the comment, please let me know. That's one way to get free advertising!!!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Being Guided

So tonight's message was on guidance. I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting from the sermon, but what I heard wasn't what I expected, but it was really good.

James said that there are three key elements to listening to our Good Shepherd's voice: the Bible, prayer and other people from God's family. He also highlighted that God's Spirit is at work in all of these aspects, helping us to understand God's Word and speaking through other people.

Again, I sensed God very clearly telling me to "wait". I looked back over the last two weeks or so and saw God showing me clearly through His Word, as I prayed and through other friends and family that I need to wait. So this message on guidance was timely again, reminding me to rest in God to wait, and He will show me the next step in His timing. James shared Psalm 23 reminding me that God will make me lie down in green pastures and lead me beside quiet waters, that He will restore my soul and guide me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. He is the Good Shepherd.

I guess I was expecting to come away with a 'formula' for working out the next step or something, and I guess in a sense God gave me that - fix my eyes on Jesus, the Good Shepherd and listen to His voice alone through His Word, prayer and other Christians. Wait. Rest. Be still and know that I am God.

Looking Beyond Myself

This morning we visited another church we've visited a few times recently, and I was reminded that I've still got a long way to go in the healing process in some ways.

I've really been challenged as I've read "When the darkness will not lift" by John Piper, and realised how utterly self-absorbed I've become. Yesterday at the park I had a chat to lady there with her little girl, but it took a lot of effort. This morning I didn't make the effort - I had troubles looking beyond myself and my own needs. I was focusing on my own hurts, and not looking out for other peoples'. Some of the words I'd been reading in Piper's book really hit hard again:

Sometimes the darkness of our souls is owing in part to the fact that we have drifted into patterns of life that are not blatantly sinful but are constricted and uncaring. (p61)

Unconsciously we have become very self-absorbed and oblivious and uncaring toward the pain and suffering in the world that is far worse than our own. (p62)


I also love the way Piper then goes on to say:

What makes [the gospel] good news is that God is long-suffering and willing to forgive and start over with us again and again.

It may be, in the mercy of God, that as we wait for the light to go up, we can do poorly what we would love to do well. (p68)



Yep, I'd say I'll be doing it poorly for a while yet, but God is good, and He tells me that He will be my Strength.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Beautiful Scars

Earlier this week while I was in the office working on the magazine, I decided to do something spontaneous - very un-Alison - and invited my friend to head over to Koorong with me at lunch-time. I was hoping to buy John Piper's book on Ruth, "A Sweet and Bitter Providence", but I discovered that I'd done my usual jump the gun and it's not out till February.

So instead I bought two copies of his book "When the darkness will not lift" (one for my friend and one for me) which I've been blogging about a bit the last few days. I started reading it while my friend did some more shopping, and then we had lunch together. It was good to be able to chat a bit more about the struggles of life. I warned her that I wasn't sure how helpful the book would be as I hadn't read it before and the first few pages were pretty intense, but was hoping we'd find some gems in it, which I certainly have. Next time I go to Koorong I'm planning to get more to give to other friends in the future - it's such a great read.

I also bought another Steven Curtis Chapman CD "This Moment, Cinderella Edition" because it was on the $10 bargain table and I like most of his music (especially the words). I also thought I could do with some new music to listen to. It's been playing in the car the last few days and so many of the songs have excellent words.

One song that I've been pondering about a fair bit the last few days is called "Beautiful Scars". I'd never quite thought of a scar as being beautiful, But he sings:

"Sit here with me
And tell me your story
Even if it breaks my heart
Let me see your scars
Shame will whisper
Oh, but we can't listen
'Cause these are the stories that make us who we are
And I love who you are and your

Beautiful scars, your beautiful scars,
Reminders of the wounded love
that has carried us this far
Beautiful scars
Turning the marks of our pain
into beautiful scars

For us, bruised and broken
For us, He was forsaken
Our wounded Healer
Suffered to set us free
See in His hands and His feet

Beautiful scars, beautiful scars
Reminds of the Saviour's love
That has carried us this far
Turning the marks of our pain
into beautiful scars"



I look back at last year and see my lack of surrender to God, particularly in one area of my life. God clearly told me to wait at times, but I didn't listen. But despite all that, I know God can still use me, mistakes and all, to bring glory to Him. I am reminded of how amazing God's grace truly is - that He died for me, sin, failings and all. That's what makes them beautiful scars - as the song says, the marks of my pain remind me of Jesus' love that has carried me this far.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Focusing on the Vine (Part II)

So Sarah wanted me to read Basil the Branch to her again tonight before going to bed. Listed at the end of the book, along with the verse where Jesus says that He is the vine and we are the branches, is Galatians 5:22-23 about the fruits of the Spirit.

As I looked at the verse, I was reminded that patience is a fruit of the Spirit. That as I rest in God, through His Holy Spirit He will produce patience in me. I don't need to keep striving to do it myself, instead I need to focus on Jesus my vine and keep growing in Him.

Focusing on the Vine

The girls were both given a book from the Lost Sheep series by Andrew McDonough for Christmas. They're excellent books - I really love them as do the girls. Sarah's favourite is Basil the Branch, which we read this morning after reading a few stories from her Toddler Bible - she'd asked me if we could read "that book about Jesus".

Throughout the story, Basil so desperately tries to produce a bunch of grapes all by himself, but his efforts are futile. After many attempts he's ready to give up, then he hears a voice: the vine! "I am the vine", said the vine, "and you are the branch. You can't produce grapes on your own. Stop straining and just stick with me." Of course, when summer came, a beautiful bunch of grapes appeared.

The story's based on John 15:1, 5 (CEV) of course. "Jesus said to his disciples: 'I am the vine, and you are the branches. If you stay joined to me, and I stay joined to you, then you will produce lots of fruit. But you can't do anything without me."

How often I try to do things in my own strength, instead of relying on Jesus.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

My Guide

I've been pondering lots about guidance of late, hence God's been telling me to wait. Tonight, He reminded me through the InTouch Daily Devotion that He has given me His Holy Spirit who is my Guide. The devotion is well worth reading (and the Bible passage it's based on of course!). These bits in particular stood out to me:

Starting at the moment of salvation, everyone who trusts in the Savior is indwelt by the Holy Spirit, who promises to lead believers into all the truth. Like a built-in compass, He will direct us exactly the right way, regardless of the choice. He never makes a mistake.

His leadership is always right, but our reception isn’t always clear. Yielding to the Lord is an essential requirement for receiving His direction. We cannot tolerate sin and go our own way in one area and expect to receive His guidance in another.

When a decision is unclear, ask yourself these questions: Will Christ be glorified in this choice? Can I do this in Jesus’ name? If either answer is no, don’t follow that path, because the Holy Spirit is not guiding you there. His leading always aligns with Scripture and brings glory to Christ.

Poem by Paul Gerhardt

The more I read this poem, the more beautiful it is. I think the "thy"s turned me off in the beginning. Found it in "When the darkness will not lift" by John Piper (p36).

Give to the winds thy fears,
Hope and be undismayed,
God hears thy sighs and counts thy tears,
God shall lift up thy head.

Through waves and clouds and storms,
He gently clears thy way;
Wait thou His time; so shall this night
Soon end in joyous day.

Far, far above thy thought,
His counsel shall appear,
When fully He the work hath wrought,
That caused thy needless fear.

Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command;
So shalt thou, wondering, own that way,
How wise, how strong this hand.


Just in case I haven't been listening to God's clear message over the last week or so, there it is again, "Wait thou His time". There's no escaping it!!

Time to stop limiting God

This morning as I was driving the girls to see their Dad, I sensed God saying to me, "Stop limiting me".

I've been pondering how God could best use all the life experiences I've had, and the gifts He's given me.

I look back and see very clearly God's hand at work each step of the way, providing so many opportunities to serve Him and to grow in Him - singing in the worship team at church, leading Sunday School and Girls Club, leading on Vision Valley and Crusader Camps, leaving school at the end of year 10 to study at business college, working at business college, doing kids' talks at church, leading worship at church, teaching shorthand at an evening college, starting at AGL in admin then working in health and safety doing reports, preparing budgets, co-leading Bible study at another church, being Personal Assistant to the Human Resources General Manager and working ridiculously long hours sometimes, leading a team on beach mission, getting married, doing a ministry formations course, then working more generally in Human Resources on policies and procedures, meanwhile completing a degree in Adult Education that AGL significantly contributed to financially, taking on the role of worship coordinator at church, running training sessions at work for our incident reporting system and Health, Safety & Environment generally, traveling to Malawi and Mozambique to consider heading back for long-term mission, falling pregnant and going in to hospital 33 weeks pregnant and giving birth to a beautiful little girl who was six weeks premature, having troubles breast-feeding my baby and making sure she put on weight, falling pregnant again not long after that and studying pastoral care, then giving birth to another beautiful girl who was also premature but only four weeks but who was on CPAP for five days as she had troubles breathing, having a baby with bad reflux and finally discovering dairy was also upsetting her tummy, separating and realising that the marriage was beyond repair, living as a single mum, singing in the worship team at church again, joining the Kids Hope team as a mentor, editing a magazine that goes out to Baptist churches, moving in with Mum and Dad again, divorcing, and now about to study primary teaching.

Through it all, God's been teaching me that He is faithful, that He is everything I need, that He will guide my steps as I trust Him with all my heart and stop leaning on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Committing everything to God

So it occurred to me today that God’s ways are very different to ours – OK, yeah, that’s probably pretty obvious. But it hit me in a new way today as I thought about Joseph again. If I were God, I would have sent the angel to speak to Joseph about the fact that he would be Jesus’ father a few months before Mary was pregnant, not after she’d already conceived. The planner in me thinks if Joseph knew a few months earlier he could have prepared himself mentally and been more ready to accept what was happening. But God didn’t do that. His plans were different.

Seems that’s so often the case, that His plans are different. Whether I want to accept it or not.

Proverbs 16:3, 9

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.


God is in control. He's Sovereign. I need to commit everything to Him and trust that He will show me the next step in His perfect timing.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Another Gem

Some of the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fit together as I think back over some of the things God's been teaching me this week in particular.

It will be of great advantage for the struggling Christian to remember that seasons of darkness are normal in the Christan life. I don't mean that we should not try to live about them. I mean that if we do not succeed, we are not lost, and we are not alone, as the fragment of our faith cleaves to Christ...

How long, O Lord, how long!... One of the reasons God loved David so much was that he cried so much, "I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with weeping (Psalm 6:6)...

It is a beautiful thing when a broken [person] genuinely cries out to God. Then after the cry you...


wait for it...

wait. "I waited patiently for the Lord." This is crucial to know: saints who cry to the Lord for deliverance from pits of darkness must learn to wait patiently for the Lord... Only God knows how long we must wait... We can draw no deadlines for God. He hastens or he delays as he sees fit. And his timing is all-loving toward his children. Oh, that we might learn to be patient in the hour of darkness. I don't mean that we make peace with darkness. We fight for joy. But we fight as those who are saved by grace and held by Christ."


pp33-36 "When the Darkness will not Lift" by John Piper

Music Refreshment

Just been listening to some music on my iPod as I hung out another load of washing for the day. Lucy appeared in my room at about 8pm, and I discovered she'd removed her nappy at some point and then wet through her sheets, rug and pillow... but all that fades as I'm reminded of God's amazing grace through some beautiful songs. Forgot how much I love listening to music, being reminded of who He is and the privilege of knowing Him.

One song I particularly love has just beautiful words. It's called "For Your Glory" - it's probably an old one, not sure but it's off my iWorship Next CD which I'm guessing is at least a few years old - think Sarah used to listen to it to go to sleep when she was a few months old, so that makes it at least 3 years old.

For your glory, for Your Kingdom
For your name, oh Lord, here I am

Oh, Lamb of God
Your Word has given me life
Take me, to declare Your Words
Cause you're the way, the truth, the life

For your glory, for Your Kingdom
For your name, oh Lord, here I am

Oh, Lamb of God
In you alone I find my hope
Teach me to delight in Your Word
That I may live for You each day

For your glory, for Your Kingdom
For your name, oh Lord, here I am

To you alone I give you my heart
In you alone I find my joy
For you alone I count it all loss and surrender everything to you

Doing what we can while we wait

Just reading "When the Darkness will not Lift" by John Piper. On the front cover it says, "Doing what we can while we wait for God... and joy".

It's full-on reading, but I'm finding some gems like this (p21):

Start at the easiest place for those in darkness. Start with despair. Despair of finding any answer in yourself. I pray that you will cease from all efforts to look inside yourself for the rescue you need. I pray that you will do what only desperate people can do, namely, cast yourself on Christ. May you say to him, "You are my only hope. I have no righteousness in myself. I am overwhelmed with sin and guilt. I am under the wrath of God. My own conscience condemns me, and makes me miserable. I am perishing. Darkness is all about me. Have mercy upon me. I trust you.

He has promised not to turn you away, "Whoever comes to me I will never cast out" (John 6:37. By this act of faith God will unite you to Jesus. You will be "in him," and in him you will be now and forever loved, forgiven and righteous. The light will rise in your darkness in due time. God will hold onto you (Jude 24).


Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you (Psalm 55:22a).

The ups and downs of life

Warning: this one's really about the downs of life.

Is it wrong to wish I could have a lobotomy? That might help me to stop thinking so hard. I'm just exhausted from life, and am really fighting to find joy. I know in my head that God has blessed me abundantly but struggle to let this truth really reach into the depths of my soul. Just had a big fight with Mum and Dad - living together is so hard, even though they've also been an incredible support, but we have different views about dealing with emotions. Perhaps I need to be asking God to help me think through the best way to deal with my emotions, especially in front of the girls? Perhaps the way I'm dealing with them isn't that helpful? Great, more to think about...

This morning Sarah wouldn't let me put her seat-belt on cause she didn't want to go to school. She kept screaming and then Lucy started crying too. I just felt so overwhelmed. So after I finally dropped them off to school, I pulled over on the side of the road and listened to When Silence Falls by Tim Hughes again. I balled my eyes out as God reminded me to cling to Him, that He ALONE is faithful and will sustain me in my darkest hour. My feelings tell me it's all too hard, but God's Word reminds me that Jesus is my Saviour and Healer. The words are so good:

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
but there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call you Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call you Healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour, of my sorrow
through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, and sustain me
my defender, forever more

I will praise you, I will praise you
when the tears fall, still I will sing to you
I will praise you, Jesus praise you
Through the suffereing still I will sing to you

When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches Lord are you there?
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I will praise You, Jesus praise You

Monday, January 11, 2010

Cease Striving

Tonight in our peer mentor group (basically a few women wanting to keep growing in our walk with God - to support, challenge and encourage each other), Lorraine shared a few verses that have been special to her over the years. She's an older lady with lots of life experience so it was great to hear some of her stories and how God's spoken to her through His Word. It's so good being able to share life together.

As I've been pondering more about what we discussed, I couldn't help but think about the verse in one of my devotionals a few days ago: CEASE STRIVING AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. It's the New American Standard Bible version of Psalm 46:10 that we usually remember as "Be still and know that I am God".

For me, 'cease striving' is a really helpful way to think of being still - stop trying so hard to figure it all out. Cease striving.

It's a struggle.

But God's teaching me that if I cease striving, then I can let Him be God, and then the glory will go to Him.

I'm sure there'll be many more times I'll fail to cease striving, but I'm also sure God will continue to remind me of His Words: cease striving. Be still. CEASE STRIVING. Know that I am God.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

My NEW Adventure Book

A few months ago when Up was on at the movies, I took Sarah to see it - her first movie, which I've now decided probably wasn't the best movie for a 3 year old. She lasted till about half way through, till the scary dog part, which was just as well.

Tonight I watched the whole movie on DVD so I could see the end. I loved it when the old man opened his adventure book and discovered Ellie had added photos of their life together, and then left a message at the end, "Thanks for the adventure, go and have a new one".

Tonight I've been looking back over my personal adventure book (my journal) for the last twelve months. It's great to look back over your journey. But now...

It's time for a new adventure, with God leading the way. I'm excited. Just read this on Our Daily Bread for today: "By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called . . . . And he went out, not knowing where he was going. —Hebrews 11:8"

Joy and Patience

The last few days I've discovered that my view of joy has been warped. I'd set the theme for last edition of the magazine as "Yet I Will Rejoice", based on Habbakuk's words, about finding our joy in God. Though I'd written all that and I've heard and thought about joy lots before, I think I still had this view that joy is what comes after God's provision of something. Though that is one form of joy, the form of joy God really wants me to find is the joy that is only found in Jesus.

It dawned on me that in waiting on God I can find incredible joy. Not that this is means it's easy in any way, and it doesn't mean I don't get frustrated at times - that's the struggle between my flesh and God's Spirit at work in me.

I love Bible Gateway - you can type in any word/s and it lists every verse in the Bible related to the word. You can also look up different versions of the Bible, it's great. So first I looked up joy and noticed that often the references to joy are after God had provided something or restored something or done whatever He chose to do.

Then I looked up joy and patience, because really this whole week God's been challenging me on the patience front in particular. I stumbled across a passage that I remember loving when I was younger, Colossians 1:10-12.

And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.


This verse indicates to me that we can have joy as we patiently wait on God, and we should have joy, that this pleases God. I never thought I'd live to see that day that I could feel joy in waiting (again not all the time of course - my sinful nature still fights to get its way, and to stop me from waiting and I do often give in to it).

But this time, I'm asking God that He would help me to wait and to keep finding my joy in Him alone as I wait. I've asked my mentor to hold my accountable. I want to please Him in every way by joyfully giving thanks to Him, and being strengthened by His glorious might so that I will have great endurance and patience!

Friday, January 8, 2010

My day

Tonight as I looked at my watch and realised it was 6pm, I felt a sense of relief that I only had another hour to survive before putting the girls to bed. It ended up being one of those I'm-just-so-exhausted-I-need-a-break days that most parents have more often than we choose to remember.

The girls had been doing really well with their toilet training up until today. Breakfast consisted of pouring juice onto their cereal and slopping it backwards and forwards from the cup to the bowl, with most of it ending up all over the table and the floor. Then, to top it off, Sarah did a lovely big wee on her chair and the floor. What would I do without floorboards!?! That was just the beginning of the downward spiral.

While I was on the phone to Anne, I stepped in a puddle, oh noooooooooooo - yes, the puddle was a big one. I think that was about the fourth wee (on the floor) for the day. The joys of toilet training.

On a positive note, this afternoon Sarah helped me make lemon-meringue pie. We recently discovered that the big tree beside the clothes-line at our new house has limes (at least I'm pretty sure they're limes - the first one we picked was shaped more like an orange, but smelt like a lime). So I thought we'd test one in a pie. Sarah and I enjoyed licking the bowl - a big scoop of the filling (with only a little of the fresh lime and some lemon juice, I don't like lemon much) and meringue, scrumptious!

As I went to cut the pie it didn't seem to cut the way it normally does. When I bit into it I realised that I'd forgotten to cook the pastry before adding the filling - whoops! Dad commented that he thought it tasted like it wasn't too overcooked, almost raw, which is the way he loves it. Yeah, that's because it was completely raw. I don't mind a bit of the raw pastry, but that combined with the lemon meringue was a bit much. Still, Dad didn't mind it, so he said he'd gradually eat it over the next few days. Maybe I'll just eat the top layer and leave the base?

I'm very thankful the girls have been so much better going to bed this week. Mum and Dad helped me work out a more manageable plan after I lost it one night - Sarah goes to bed in a different room now so they don't egg each other on and jump on the beds, and I have a better 'routine' worked out, which Anne also helped me think about last year but I hadn't really had the strength to stick with until now. It seems to be working well. They've both been asleep by 7.30pm most nights this week. I feel like a new person!

The journey continues

Reinforcement is important - I think they say you need to do something at least three times before it comes a habit and I guess the same principle probably applies to changing our thinking?

So again one of the devotions I read this morning was titled, "Taking Time" by Chuck Swindoll. How timely.

...if we really want some things to count, if we genuinely desire some depth to emerge, some impact to be made, some profound and enduring investment to cast a comforting shadow across another's life (your child, a friend, whomever), it is essential that we slow down . . . at times, stop completely. And think. Now . . . not later.

Psalm 46:10 CEASE STRIVING AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.

Matthew 11:28 COME TO ME . . . I WILL GIVE YOU REST.

Eight calm words from David. Eight restful words from Jesus, who never rushed anywhere! How unlike those eight panic words from the speedboat!


And then some thoughts about joy from God Calling, January 8.

Life with Me is not immunity from difficulties, but peace in difficulties... Joy is the result of faithful trusting acceptance of My Will, when it seems not joyous... Joy is the daughter of calm.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Getting back to the essentials

Speechless again at God's impeccable timing. The InTouch devotional for today really hit home. I've never thought of the story of the prodigal son like that before. Perhaps I am the prodigal daughter?!

When we cling to a yearning that is outside of God’s protective will, then we likewise deceive ourselves and find ways to justify what we want. We will base decisions on our faulty reasoning and move away from the Lord to fulfill our self-centered dreams.

We have an Enemy who seeks to divert us from the Lord’s will, a world that places desires above God, and “flesh” tendencies which prefer pleasure over obedience. To avoid self-deception, make Scripture your basis for living—and adjust your thought life and choices accordingly (Rom. 12:2).


I've also been reminded of the importance of seeking help from others, and being held accountable, so that I don't get impatient and diverted from God's will (or "prematurely ask for my inheritance").

Oh yeah, and the essentials I need to get back to are those found in Jesus ALONE - "unconditional love, security, and a meaningful purpose for living".

Better off not knowing

Mum and I were chatting tonight and I said, "I wish God would just tell me how long I have to wait" but as I was saying it, it occurred to me that actually maybe that wouldn't be so helpful. Then Mum said exactly that, "Nope, you're better off not knowing." Agreed.

Then I start thinking again. But how are you going to make it happen God? What do I need to do? God keeps saying, "Wait, trust me". Though it goes against every fibre of my being, that's what I'll do.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Bitter Providence

I've read about Ruth (the book of the Bible) on a few people's blogs today, so had another read of it for myself. It's been a very long time since I last read it.

John Piper's book A Sweet and Bitter Providence sounds like an interesting read. There's a brief video about it on the Desiring God website.

Still pondering why God specifically drew me to the book of Ruth. As I read John's comments about Ruth this stands out:

Is God's bitter providence the last word?... Everywhere I look in the world today, whether near or far, the issue for real people in real life is, Can I trust and love the God who has dealt me this painful hand in life? That is the question the book of Ruth intends to answer.


Bitter providence. Divorced. Now what? In the hands of our Sovereign God. The end of the story is yet to be written.

Please wait...

Found it amusing that as I was signing out of my blogger account a few minutes ago, the message, "Please wait..." appeared on my screen. I'm pretty sure it always pops up when I close my account - but for some reason it jumped off the screen today and made me giggle... God wanted to say it just once more and reinforce His message to me, "Wait, Alison, WAIT".

Wait

Impatience. "Irritation at having to wait or at somebody or something that causes a wait. Eagerness to do something immediately, and unwillingness to wait."

Yep, the Encarta Word English Dictionary describes my situation quite well.

Should I? Shouldn't I? As I wrestle to make my decisions, I read my devotion for the day, "Wait".

I start thinking too hard again: Is God prompting these thoughts, or are they my own desires that I'm not submitting to Him? God says it a little louder, "Wait".

The questions keep coming... faster and faster... then scream to a holt as I hear ever so clearly, "WAIT"!


Patience. "The ability to endure waiting or delay without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties."

Wait. A tall order for one who is realising more and more just how impatient she really is!!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

First day back at school

The girls are back at 'school' this morning, and I forgot how difficult the first day of school often is. Thankfully most of the other kids went back yesterday so had adjusted a bit before the girls went back. Poor Sarah was very upset this morning and didn't want to go to school, but thanks to Spot (yeah, remember those good old Spot books?), she agreed to get in the car without anymore screaming. It's a "Spot goes to school" book with pictures of all the fun things he does at school, like painting, which we rarely do at home because it makes such a mess!

Oh, and we made up a "Spot loves school" song which helped too. At school they learnt a song about packing away which is cute - singing seems to really help, especially with transitions. Anything that helps is good! I find the singing is really good with my girls.

To my surprise, neither of them actually cried when I left, though they did look pretty sad. But I guess that's to be expected. Even more surprising, I didn't cry. There were lots of mornings last year, especially when they first started at school and when they were very upset, where I just sat in the car and balled my eyes out, and calling my support hotline (Mum) for reassurance that I was doing the right thing. But as they say it does get easier, and I know it has been good for all of us.

Now it's time to get back to work - the deadline for submissions for the magazine was yesterday so I need to get my act together. Two weeks before we go to print... four days to 'focus' on getting it done. Good thing God's got it all under control and a number of people had sent in their articles last week.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Step by step

I've just been blown away again by the way that God speaks so personally!! This morning I read this in "God Calling" for today.

Do not plan

All is well. Wonderful things are happening. Do not limit God at all. He cares and provides.

Uproot self - the channel-blocker. Do not plan ahead; the way will unfold step by step. Leave tomorrow's burden. Christ is the great Burden-bearer. You cannot bear His load and He only expects you to carry a little day share.


I love planning and organising - without it life feels too chaotic and out of control. I've been stressing about 'plans' for this year. The commitment/responsibility part of me wants to figure out what God wants us to do and have it neatly mapped out. But God doesn't work like that. That's Alison's way, not His.


Psalm 86: 10-12

Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Fantastic

Saw Fantastic Mr Fox today, and was very impressed. Laughed lots. Highly recommend it.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Jesus didn't just suck it in

Matthew 26
36Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." 37He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."
39Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."



I realise that often my reaction to my sorrow is selfish and tainted by my sinful nature. I don't pray and take my concerns to God like I should, but it's comforting to see that Jesus didn't just "suck it in" and put on a brave face for everyone else's sake - sure it was with his closest companions that he said what he did, but he actually told them that his soul was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.

The step I often leave out is praying - the most important step.

"Just suck it in"

I don't agree that this is the solution.

The end of another year

Psalm 119:28
"My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word."