Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The ups and downs of life

Warning: this one's really about the downs of life.

Is it wrong to wish I could have a lobotomy? That might help me to stop thinking so hard. I'm just exhausted from life, and am really fighting to find joy. I know in my head that God has blessed me abundantly but struggle to let this truth really reach into the depths of my soul. Just had a big fight with Mum and Dad - living together is so hard, even though they've also been an incredible support, but we have different views about dealing with emotions. Perhaps I need to be asking God to help me think through the best way to deal with my emotions, especially in front of the girls? Perhaps the way I'm dealing with them isn't that helpful? Great, more to think about...

This morning Sarah wouldn't let me put her seat-belt on cause she didn't want to go to school. She kept screaming and then Lucy started crying too. I just felt so overwhelmed. So after I finally dropped them off to school, I pulled over on the side of the road and listened to When Silence Falls by Tim Hughes again. I balled my eyes out as God reminded me to cling to Him, that He ALONE is faithful and will sustain me in my darkest hour. My feelings tell me it's all too hard, but God's Word reminds me that Jesus is my Saviour and Healer. The words are so good:

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
but there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call you Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call you Healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour, of my sorrow
through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, and sustain me
my defender, forever more

I will praise you, I will praise you
when the tears fall, still I will sing to you
I will praise you, Jesus praise you
Through the suffereing still I will sing to you

When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches Lord are you there?
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I will praise You, Jesus praise You

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