The Lord is Good, His Faithfulness Endures Forever

This year I was invited to sing a couple of Christmas songs at "Curries by Candlelight", a fundraiser held at Pennant Hills Community Centre. The MC for the evening gave a brief message, with the main point being: whatever situation you're in, read the Bible. If you're sad, lonely, confused, afraid... however you're feeling, read the Bible.

So this afternoon I was feeling kind of overwhelmed by life and I picked up a few of my devotionals in the hope that one of them would have something encouraging - oftentimes God does use these devotionals to encourage and challenge me. But today, God knew I needed reminding that the most important source of encouragement is His Word. It was time to pick up my Bible. So I opened it to Jeremiah 33.

I know lots of people are skeptical about doing this and joke that when you just open the Bible to any old page you might turn to the verse that says, "He put his house in order and then hanged himself." But I still believe that God can work in whatever way He chooses to work, and it's far better to open a page of the Bible and ask God to speak to us, than to open some other book in the hope that we'll be encouraged... I guess the important part is seeking His Wisdom, not just wanting to find something that will make us feel good.

What did I find? God reminded me that He is my God (Jeremiah 32:38). That He is Sovereign (33:42) and in control of everything that happens, even though we may not understand why it has happened. That God is the great Healer (33:6), though this again may not be in the way or timing we expect. That God's purpose in all the messiness in my life is to bring Him joy, glory and honour (33:9). That as I experience God's goodness I should be singing, "Give thanks to the Lord Almighty, for the Lord is good, His faithful love endures forever" (33:10-11). That even when life feels 'beyond repair', I can look to Almighty God, my Healer and Redeemer to be my Hope, my Refuge, my Rock and my Peace.

In some ways the passage didn't make me feel good as it's clear that God sent all these calamities upon them (32:42). It also made me remember back to the verse I blogged about yesterday that not even a sparrow falls to the ground unless it's God's will, which made me think about the tough stuff I've been through recently, and think again, "Why?". But then as I saw God's promise of restoration, and His promise of peace, I caught a glimpse of the purpose in this pain... a glimpse of God being glorified amidst the heartache and the hurt, and I cried tears of desire to keep trusting God, to let Him use my story for His glory... May He do just that. One day soon I may even be bold enough to share some of my story.

Recognising emotions

Last week I realised that I value the ability to express emotion quite highly. I realised that as a Mum, something I really want to encourage my little girls to do is to express their emotions rather than pretending they don't exist and bottling them up. I think perhaps because of this I tend to be more open and share more than some people are probably comfortable with and/or sooner than they are ready for me to share it with them.

I'm not even sure what the link with the following verses was in my thinking before I started blogging, but for some reason I was thinking about this particular thought, and these verses (Matthew 10:29-31):

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

Maybe God's wanting me to see that it's important to recognise my emotions - my feelings of fear and sadness at a significant "loss" in my life - and to hold those in one hand, but at the same time in the other hand I need to hold the hope that He offers me in Jesus... the hope that Christmas should be about, remembering that God has blessed me richly eternally, that I have hope of new life in Him, that right now He is holding me in His Mighty hand, protecting, comforting and guiding... oh to sit at His feet and let Him comfort me, to let Him reassure me that is Sovereign, that He is in control, and to hear His voice, "You are worth more than many sparrows... keep trusting me."

What a great God we have. How often I forget this and instead get caught up in my emotions.

Parties & Ikea

I'm excited about the next week or so now, though it'll no doubt be tough in some ways. Sarah's at the age where she's really looking forward to her birthday, which will be on Monday. We took a cake to her school this week and we're having a party tomorrow which is also a house-warming, and we'll have another party next week with her little friends for her birthday, Lucy's and a little friend's, and Christmas... wow, we'll soon be partied out!

Normally I'm not that fussed about parties, but this year I think it'll be fun because Sarah's so excited. We made her birthday cake today - she iced it with three different colours and put three of each kind of lolly we'd bought. Even though there was a huge mess to clean up afterwards, it was fun to watch her enjoying it so much, and being creative - she did a better job than I would have done myself, I'm not good at creative stuff, I'm too slap-dash.

Yesterday we made some ice-cream cakes for the girls' birthdays and Christmas. Lucy can't have dairy so we had to make a soy one too. They absolutely loved making them - I've never made them before so am hoping they'll turn out OK on the day. Even if they don't, the girls thought it was great... especially Lucy who was completely covered in ice-cream and lollies by the end of it!

Then last night Mum and I went to Ikea to get a cheap dining set for the girls and I, without realising just how painful Ikea flat-packs are! The chairs looked like they'd just fold out and wouldn't require assembly... but of course not, they were from Ikea!! I stupidly thought I'd see if I could do a chair myself... as if! I don't even have a screw-driver which of course I soon discovered you need. So then we asked Dad for a screw-driver, which then meant he had to continue helping... which ultimately meant that he ended up assembling it himself. He's a very good Dad. I watched and felt pretty useless. All I could do to help was bring him a glass of water (after all it was around 35 degrees), make a few jokes about the "Herman" chairs, and take the plastic wrapping off and put it in the bin. By 11.30pm it was fully assembled and we were happy with it. What would I do without Dad?!

Thanks Ikea. I'm sure many people would like to thank you for the opportunities they've had to improve their stress management skills because of your flat-packs.

Joy

"Stop thinking your lives are all wrong if you do not feel [joy]."

From God Calling by A J Russell, December 16 "What Joy Is"


Need to ponder some more on this one and look again at what God says in His Word about joy.

Blogging and Changing Focus

Realised that taking a break doesn't mean I need to completely stop blogging. I think another part of my reason for not continuing to blog was that it seems like such a one-sided process, at this point anyway... and I think sometimes it encourages my over-analytical mind and this can be unhelpful sometimes!

I guess some people may read and not leave a comment, I don't always write comments about the blogs I read... I'm still not sure I understand the whole blogging thing, it's like another world - I'm still unsure of the etiquette, of what's acceptable and what's not. But here I am blogging anyway...

It never ceases to amaze me how God's timing is so perfect in giving us the right message at just the right time. Tonight, I needed to hear that I should stop worrying about what people think of me and why they might not want me to be their friend, and instead start thinking about other people who might need a friend and trying to be a friend to them by just being the me God created me to be. I read this in my Chuck Swindoll daily devotion.

My focus should be God first, then others, not self first! Why is this so hard to get through my head?! It seems we're sent so many subtle messages that encourage us to put self first (as if we're not good enough at doing this already anyway!). So much wasted energy worrying about what others think of me!!!

Time for a break

So I've decided it's time to give blogging a break. After reading Jean's post this morning, I've decided it's time to stop rushing, or as another friend emailed this morning, it's time to breathe. I'm not good at either. I constantly feel the urge to do, do, do, to be efficient. But where does this urge come from?

I think I often believe it's what God wants of me, but as I read His Word, I'm not convinced that it actually is. I'm not saying I shouldn't do anything, but that I should do what glorifies God. When I'm rushing I'm generally not glorifying God (or at least not seeking to), I'm often trying to do too much, perhaps for the sake of doing, and doing the right thing - it's my motive that's the issue. I think I need to learn to slow down.

Psalm 1 says, that as we delight in and reflect on God's Word, day and night, we will be like a tree planted by streams of water and bear fruit in season. I want to be like that... I don't want to end up like the beautiful trees in our backyard that I blogged about last week that are dead. I need to resist the urge to constantly do, and to let God do in me all the things He needs to do in me to help me bear fruit in season.

Somewhere out there

Saw the Bucket List again last night, great movie. "Somewhere out their some lucky guy's having a heart attack."

Deep in our hearts

Looked up Romans 8 (about Life in the Spirit) after tonight's sermon. Tonight I was reminded afresh that through Jesus' resurrection we have an amazing hope for the future... we look forward to being in heaven with God! No more tears, no more crying!! We will be given new life! I was also reminded that it's God's Spirit who convicts us of the truth of Jesus' death and resurrection, who helps us understand God's promises, not just in our heads, but also in our hearts.

I love verses 16-17 in my NLT, "For his Holy Spirit speaks to us deep in our hearts and tells us that we are God's children. And since we are his children, we will share his treasures - for everything God gives to his Son, Christ, is ours too. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering."

I'd love these verses even more if that last sentence wasn't in there... oh to have God's view of suffering!! But as the verse says earlier, we will share His treasures, He's given us His Spirit, we are His children! What a great God!!

Dead trees

What happens to dead trees? Seriously, I was thinking about this today as I was looking at a tree that Mum suspects is dead in our new backyard. It looks just like a tree in winter, only it's spring so it should have flowers (says she who has a brown thumb, not a green one!). That's of course if it's a tree that has flowers. But it doesn't even have any leaves. It's a beautiful tree even though it does look dead, I'm guessing it'd be even more beautiful with leaves and flowers. How sad if it has died.

Will the branches eventually fall off? Or will it just stay like it is and never have leaves again? Guessing there's no way to revive it?

While I'm thinking of dead plants, at my old work, I worked on "Level 21" with the executives for a few years and our chef (yeah thankfully times have changed!!) gave me a cactus for my desk. I told him it wasn't such a good idea as I'm not good with plants, but he assured me it's not possible to kill a cactus. Unfortunately I proved him wrong. Only took a month or so and the cactus died. I think I might have over-watered it at one point. Oops.

A New Morning

A few months back I blogged about the morning, as referred to in Psalm 30:5. The verse says that rejoicing comes with the morning.

We've just moved house, and it feels like a new morning. It feels like God's moving me, and the girls, into a new, exciting season... another season in which I can see His faithfulness and in which I can sing:

"Blessed be your name in the land that is plentiful, where your streams of abundance flow blessed be your name... every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise, when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, "Blessed be Your name!" Matt Redman

Thank You Father God for a new morning!

Top 5 books that have impacted me

A friend listed the five most influential books in their life (aside from the Bible) on their blog recently, and asked what ours were. So here are mine:

The Wounded Healer by Henry Nouwen
I read this book when I was studying a few pastoral care subjects at Morling (our lecturer, John Reid, often referred to it!), and really loved what Henry had to say. He has helped shape my thinking in terms of suffering and how God can use this for His glory, that my woundedness enables me to help others with similar struggles and to share with them the lessons God has taught me amidst my own suffering.

A Heart Like His by Rebecca Manley-Pippert
A friend from Texas either gave me this book or suggested I get it when she stayed with our family about 15 years ago. I loved it - it's very easy to read, it's encouraging and challenging. It's real. She talks about David's realness and how he deals with the struggles of every day life and brings everything to God, questions and all, yet still trusts in God's faithfulness amidst it all. I think it might have contributed to my love of the Psalms.

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
I was loaned a copy of this a few years ago and it made me see God's love in a new light. Until then I hadn't read the book of Hosea, and it inspired me to read it. I was shocked and baffled that God would expect Hosea to marry a prostitute and continue to love her despite her unfaithfulness. But the book helped me to see that THAT is just how amazing God's love for us is. Despite our continued 'unfaithfulness' and disregard of Him, He still loves us.

Esther by Charles Swindoll
I loved this book about the character of Esther. I enjoy Charles' writing - easy to read, challenging, inspiring, practical, insightful. It made me want to be like Esther, a woman of strength and dignity. But when I say a woman of strength, that's the strength that God provides me with - nothing of my own. The Bible tells me that in my weakness His strength is made perfect.

Charles also wrote a book on David which is excellent too.

Perfectionism: A Sure Cure for Happiness by Drs. Lorraine and J. Clayton Lafferty
Lorraine, our HR Manager, loaned me this book when I was her Personal Assistant at AGL about five years ago. She knew I struggled with wanting to do everything just right and said I needed to read this book. I remember reading it and identifying some actions to stop being so perfectionist... can't remember now what they were specifically, but remember it was really helpful for me at the time.

Gutsy

Two themes seem to be emerging from my blogs over the last little while as I've been reflecting on different passages and verses from the Bible:

1 Waiting on God
2 God's promise to be with me through the fire


Tonight I was reminded that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego also walked through the fire, and that God was with them. They refused to bow down and worship the huge image of gold King Nebuchadnezzar had set up, so the King ordered that they be thrown into the furnace and that it be heated seven times hotter than usual. Even the guards who took them to the furnace were killed from the heat! Yet Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were unharmed! The passage even says that no hair on their head was singed, nor did they smell like fire.

These were three gutsy guys, who said, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

They trusted God completely, they knew He was (and still is) all-powerful, and they worshipped Him alone. They refused to worship any other god. They were prepared to stand up for what they believed in regardless of the outcome. That's what I call gutsy!

One of the interesting things about this passage is that God chose to allow these three men to be thrown into the furnace and to go THROUGH it. It reminds me of God's promise to be with us when we walk THROUGH the fire (Isaiah 43:1-4).

Why did God choose to allow them to go THROUGH the fire? He could have put the fire out instead, or come up with some other rescue plan. Why did He choose to keep them safe the way He did? Whatever the reason, in the end King Nebuchadnezzar realised that God alone is the all-powerful God who saves. As a result, he wanted to worship God, and God alone, not an image of gold.

What an amazing God, mighty and all-powerful. What an amazing God who promises to walk with us through the fire.

Music Refreshment

Today I listened to my iPod shuffle while I was cooking and cleaning. If only I'd discovered sooner how relaxing it is being able to listen to music on an iPod while you work around the house! I feel like my perspective was renewed a bit too as I listened to and sung along with some of my favourite worship songs, and Mary Mary's "What a Friend we have in Jesus". Some of the words from Mary Mary's "Can't give up now" particularly resonated with me:

"Nobody told me the road would be easy, and I don't believe He's brought me this far to leave me. Never said there wouldn't be trials, never said I wouldn't fall, never said that everything would go the way I want it to go. But when my back is against the wall, and I feel like all hope is gone, I'll just lift my head up to the sky and say help me to be strong. I know You didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely. Even when I can't see clearly I know that You are with me."

Yes, God is with me. What a promise! When I feel hope is lost, I'm forgetting the hope that God has given me for eternity, and that He is WITH me. What an awesome God.

Enjoyable Day

I enjoyed today. In the morning I had breakfast with lots of the women from our Church. It was great to get to know people a bit more and to just chat about life.

Then this afternoon Mum and I took the girls to the beach. Lucy absolutely loved it - it was so exciting watching her eyes light up and hearing her squeal as the waves came crashing towards her. Sarah had a ball too. They didn't want to leave!

Tonight our door-bell rang and I suddenly realised it's Halloween. Oh dear. I was struggling to come up with something... watermelon? no. marshmallows? no. a packet of biscuits? no. small packets of wiggles biscuits? they'll have to do. I only had four packets and fortunately there were only four kids. We had a bit of a chat cause they'd seen me at their primary school doing Kids Hope. One boy told me about the frogs in his pond at home. Kids are so open, I love it... so free to just chat, with so few inhibitions. We seem to lose that as we get older!

I hope there aren't anymore trick-or-treaters. Might have to turn the lights off and pretend we're not home. Otherwise, I'll have to give them an ice-block or a can of baked beans. Poor kids.

The Waiting Season

So I decided last week that I'm in a waiting season. I thought about blogging about this earlier, but decided not to. I think I'm scared that if I actually acknowledge it publicly, it will somehow make the waiting season even longer, which is ridiculous!! I just don't want to admit it to myself!

In a lot of my devotionals recently the theme has been about waiting for God, and using the time of waiting to get to know Him more, to spend more time in His Word, and to let Him shape me.

I just looked at Elisabeth Elliott's devotion for today, which of course is titled, "Waiting". God's not letting me avoid this one. He's making sure I get the message LOUD AND CLEAR!

I can't seem to find the archives for Elisabeth's devotions, so I'm copying the bits that particularly spoke to me as I read her thoughts on waiting:

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" (Psalm 27:14, NIV).

Waiting requires patience--a willingness calmly to accept what we have or have not, where we are or where we wish we were, whomever we live or work with.

To want what we don't have is impatience, for one thing, and it is to mistrust God. Is He not in complete control of all circumstances, events, and conditions? If some are beyond His control, He is not God.

Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in His hands. "Peace I leave with you; I do not give to you as the world gives" (John 14:27, NEB). What sort of peace has He to give us? A peace which was constant in the midst of ceaseless work (with few visible results), frequent interruptions, impatient demands, few physical comforts; a peace which was not destroyed by the arguments, the faithlessness, and hatred of the people. Jesus had perfect confidence in His Father, whose will He had come to accomplish. Nothing touched Him without His Father's permission. Nothing touches me without my Father's permission. Can I not then wait patiently? He will show the way.

His message to me every day
Is wait, be still, trust, and obey.

Wait patiently for the Lord. He will turn to you and hear your cry. It is amazing how clear things become when we are still before Him, not complaining, not insisting on quick answers, only seeking to hear His word in the stillness, and to see things in His light.

God is in no rush

So I've decided I'm a very poor listener. What goes in one ear is too quick to go out the other.

Last night I read over some quotes I'd highlighted in one of Joshua Harris' books a few weeks back, "God is interested in the journey, not just the destination... God is in no rush. he wants to use this process, and all the questions and uncertainties it involves, to refine us, sanctify us, and increase our faith."

I still have that urge to run through the fire! It's too uncomfortable, and uncertain! But as Joshua writes, God wants to use this process to increase my faith and trust in Him, to refine me. I know I shouldn't say this, but I think I'm sick of being refined!!

So to all my friends who read this, I'd love you to remind me to be patient and wait for God's timing, to remind me that He is in no rush, and that His plan is best.

Yes, God is full of surprises

Yes, our God is full of surprises! Today I received my letter of offer to study primary teaching by distance next year. The surprise was that I was offered a Commonwealth Supported Place, which means the fees I pay will be significantly lower than I'd initially expected.

I'd been thinking and praying about next year and what I should do - I was having doubts about studying again and was a bit concerned about the financial side. But this seemed a very timely confirmation to continue down that path. Yippee!! I'm excited. A bit nervous too, but overall looking forward to it.

It's also been a great reminder that God does guide and direct our paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 Why do I so often get anxious instead of trusting Him?! Why do I try to lean on my own understanding?

As the girls and I have been reading their toddler Bible, I've been reminded of the unusual ways that God works. He is full of surprises! I'm sure the Israelites weren't expecting God to part the water so they could cross the Red Sea and escape from the Egyptians! It's great reading Bible stories with kids and seeing these stories in a new light - with wonder and awe!

Full of surprises?

My Grandma always used to tell me that God is full of surprises. This afternoon as I was driving I got a nice surprise. I had just been thinking through some of the tough stuff in life and this song came on the radio asking almost the exact questions I was thinking through, and then going on to say, from the perspective of God, "I'm with You". I didn't get to hear who it was by or what it was called unfortunately, but it was a nice 'surprise' to be reminded again of God's promise to be with me. You'd think I'd remember that by now!!

In terms of the future, I don't know what God's got planned, but I think tonight He's been wanting me to remember to trust Him. This is when I really started thinking back to what Grandma used to say about God being full of surprises.

In my Chuck Swindoll devotion I was reminded that, "God is not known for doing standard things. He is engaged in doing very distinct things. When a person does something, it has the man or woman look about it. It drips with the humanity. You can follow the logic of it and see the meaning behind it... God doesn't build skyscrapers, men build skyscrapers. And they all have the touch of genius, human genius. But you cannot find a man who can make a star. And when God steps in, His working is like the difference between a skyscraper and a star".

Then in God Calling, "Bow as a child bows, in anticipation of a glad surprise being prepared for it by one who loves it. Bow in such a way, just waiting to hear the loving word to raise your head, and see the glory and joy and wonder of your surprise."

God is full of surprises? He does things differently to us. His ways are beyond our comprehension, but we know that He is a faithful God who provides for our needs, so we can trust Him!

Time to shuffle

Last night I got my act together and finally figured out my iPod shuffle (which Mum gave me for Christmas last year... yeah, I've been slack). I'm also a bit behind the times!

I've realised I should be doing some sort of exercise, and seeing as I'm not really into sport, was struggling to come up with something. I decided going for a walk and chatting with a friend as we walk would be great, though it's difficult to coordinate times on a regular basis. So last night I decided that listening to music while I walk could be a good alternative... and I'd finally get to use the iPod shuffle!

Later on I decided I should phone one of my friends to see if she'd like to go for a walk. She thought it sounded therapeutic too, and even though she's busy decided to make time for it. It was really refreshing. We had a good chat about life, enjoyed the sunshine and did some exercise! Might try and do it more often together, and when she can't make it, my iPod shuffle will be waiting for me.

Thanksgiving - A Spiritual Exercise

The other day Dad was very honest with me and told me he doesn't think my focus is where it should be - on God and the hope I have in Him. Ouch! I tried to explain it away...

But my Heavenly Father is really the one who's been trying to tell me this. He's been wanting me to see that He has given me everything I need, and He will always provide for my needs.

I was reading Elizabeth Elliott's devotion for today, and this it what she shared:

Thanksgiving is a spiritual exercise, necessary to the building of a healthy soul. It takes us out of the stuffiness of ourselves into the fresh breeze and sunlight of the will of God.

Thankless children we all are, more or less, comprehending but dimly the truth of God's fathomless love for us. We do not know Him as a gracious Giver, we do not understand His most precious gifts, or the depth of His love, the wisdom with which He has planned our lives, the price He pays to bring us to glory and fulfillment.

The Father's Song

I've been listening to a song by Matt Redman that I'm guessing is based on that great verse in Zephaniah 3:17:

"The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."


Today's been a really tough day, lots of tears... for no particular reason, but found comfort hearing this song, and that brought on lots of tears. Yes, God is with me!! How often I forget though, so how often I need to be reminded!

Here are the words to "The Father's Song":

I have heard so many songs
Listened to a thousand tongues
But there is one
That sounds above them all

The Father's song
The Father's love
You sung it over me
and for eternity, it's written on my heart

Heaven's perfect melody
The Creator's symphony
You are singing over me
The Father's song
Heaven's perfect mystery
The king of love has sent for me
And now you're singing over me
The Father's song

Not the Architect

"I know better than you what you need. Trust Me absolutely...

Do not try to plan. I have planned. You are the builder, not the Architect."

My mentor shared this with me on Thursday, from God Calling by A J Russell, Jan 29.

More on the Seasons of Life

I've been thinking more about the seasons of life. It'd be great if one season moved straight on to the next, like in the movie 500 Days of Summer where, after his 500 days of "Summer" (the girl he falls in love with), Tom meets another girl, Autumn.

I guess as one season ends, a new season does begin, but the new season isn't always better than the season before. But if we are willing, I think each season can help prepare us for the next season. We can use it as an opportunity to grow, to learn to trust God more, and to understand more about His character and how He would have us live in response to that. Sometimes it's painful growth, but nevertheless, growth. Growth that will enable our roots to go down deep.

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." Colossians 2:6-7

The Band-aid Solution

Recently Sarah came up to me when I was crying and said, "Mummy, are you upset? It's OK. I will help you. I'll get you a band-aid. That will help you get better." Then she headed off to my room where I keep the band-aids (I was surprised she knew where they were!) and said, "Come on Mummy, let's get a band-aid for you." She's beautiful. If only a band-aid was the solution!

Living an Examined Life

This morning my mentor encouraged me to continually ask God to search my heart, and show me the things I need to change that don't please Him, as David writes in Psalm 139:23-24.

I've just been reading these two verses again and realised the second part of v23 says, "Test me and know my anxious thoughts"... I missed that bit before, no idea how!! Yes, as the beginning of Psalm 139 says, God has searched me and He knows me, intimately, better than I know myself!!

The NIV cheat notes on these two verses say, "Examine me, see the integrity of my devotion and keep me true". What a great prayer.

Seasons

Today finally feels like spring again -yippee! I went to Koorong and decided it was time to invest in a new devotional - I've been looking at various devotionals online but I still like an old fashioned hard-copy one too! Every few years I bring out one by Charles Swindoll called "Wisdom for the Way" which I was given for my 21st birthday, and I've been using this again the past few months. I still love it but it's time for something new.

So I found another one by Charles Swindoll, though that wasn't my intention!, called "Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life". The title appealed to me, as did the intro written by Billy Graham. They're slightly longer devotionals that he's designed to be done in sets of three each week, with practical reflective questions at the end of each set. I like that idea - sounds quite manageable.

Something that really struck me when I was listening to one of his sermons on the web last week was one word he highlighted from Isaiah 43:1-4. It was the word WALK. God said, "When you WALK through the fire you will not be burned..." As Charles highlighted, God didn't say when you RUN, which would make a lot more sense to us.

What person in their right mind would want to walk through the fire? If you have to go through the fire, wouldn't you run? If you walk, you're far more likely to be burned!

The more I've been thinking about it since then, and as I began reading this new devotional, the more I've felt God's desperately wanting me to hear this message: "Take your time, Alison. I'm here with You, I'm walking with You. Let's walk together, and enjoy each step of the journey. It's not going to be easy, but I'm with You and leading You each step of the way. Trust me."

I'm not a person who's good at this though. What Charles said really resonated with me because everything in me wants to run - I just want to make it the other side. I don't like being in the fire!! But God is working out His plan, and He's teaching me to trust Him and find refuge Him, to rest in the shadow of our Almighty God. As we're told in 1 Peter 1:7, our faith is refined by fire.

My friend Anne was even talking to me about this idea last night and suggesting that maybe instead of seeing one season as over and having to wait for the next season, we can recognise that this "in between" bit can be something we can learn to appreciate and enjoy. Not in a fake way, ignoring the pain, otherwise we can't allow God to heal us, but in a real way, where we walk with God through the deep valley... where we can be reminded afresh in a deep way what it means that God is with us.

In the intro to the book he writes, "Each of the four seasons offers fresh and vital insights for those who take the time to look and to think... The Master is neither mute nor careless as He alters our times and changes our seasons. How wrong to trudge blindly and routinely through a lifetime of changing seasons without discovering answers to the new mysteries and learning to sing the new melodies! Seasons are designed to deepen us, to instruct us in the wisdom and ways of our God. To help us grow strong... like a tree planted by the rivers of water." p15

Embarrassing Moment

We had communion at Church tonight and we were short two of the little cups of juice. Of course, I had to be the last person in the church to be served apart from the communion "stewards", and the Pastor. The guy who was serving our aisle walked past my friend Anne and I with two cups on his tray, which puzzled us a bit, but I then realised they were the only two cups left. He came back and offered them to us and I said not to worry you have them, as did Anne, but she then took one, then offered it to me, but I said it was OK. Another girl in our row tried to give hers to Anne. Then the poor guy came back again and offered the cup to me again and I said it's alright you have it, so he took it back with him. Then our Pastor said, "Alison, you should have taken it" (in a nice way though), as there was then only one cup for the two guys at the front.

I felt so embarrassed. I said sorry about 500 times. Both guys came up to me as they were collecting the empty cups and apologised. I felt so terrible. I should have taken the cup when he offered it to me.

Oh well. It's kinda funny looking back at it. Sounds a bit more like a nightmare. Anne and I ended up sharing our cup. She insisted I have it and had earlier suggested we could share, so I took a swig and gave it to her to finish. I'm glad in our church we usually don't share cups - not very hygienic.

We laughed though because it's just a symbol of Jesus' blood shed for us. There's nothing special about the juice itself. So it wasn't a big deal to not have our own cup. We were still able to remember Jesus' sacrifice for us, and God's amazing love for us.

The Fairies

On Thursday Mum and I took the girls to see "The Fairies". Sarah was so thrilled (as you can see in the picture) when each of the characters from the show appeared on stage - I felt excited just watching her face! It made the tickets worth every dollar we paid for them!

Lucy absolutely loved dancing along - no inhibitions whatsoever! And no problem that one arm's still in a cast. When is it that we start wondering. and worrying about what people will think of us? Oh to be a child again!

Unfortunately I'd forgotten my camera, so had to use my phone to take some pics.

Boundaries & Character Development

Scenario: Lucy doesn't want to go to bed. She wants to lie on the lounge and drink her milk while she watches her music DVD. I try to carry her into her bed (sometimes this works), and as we start walking to her room she screams and insists on staying on the lounge. So I cave and let her stay on the lounge - occasionally I'm strong and just let her scream, but usually I fold because I can't be bothered "fighting" her will. I know longer term this is not a helpful thing to do, but sometimes it's about survival!

I've started reading Boundaries with Kids again - I started after Sarah was born but didn't get very far. Just recently I decided I needed to work on my ability to set appropriate boundaries for the girls (as proven in the scenario above). I'm not very good at doing this - I think it's the heart ruling the head thing, that I feel bad being too firm, and I want her to be happy (not screaming!).

I've been pondering about one of the statements in the book for a few days now (p15):

"When you are a parent, you help create a child's future. The patterns children establish early in life (their character) they will live out later. And character is always formed in relationship. We can't underestimate your role in developing this character."

Apart from the statement being scary (what a huge responsibility!), I'd never really thought about character being linked to patterns established early in children's lives, and something I play a part in developing in the girls. I don't know where I thought character was developed. Maybe I thought it was similar to personality in that it's something you're born with (characteristics?), but saying that we do talk about God developing our character, so it must be something we need to work on.

Thought I'd look at what the dictionary defines character as: "The set of qualities that make somebody or something distinctive, especially somebody's qualities of mind and feeling". This could suggest it's something we're born with? So perhaps it's a bit of both?

If one aspect of being a parent is about helping your children develop their character, which I'm beginning to think it is, then I need to be thinking about the impact of the seemingly little things on their character development. What message am I sending to Lucy when I just let her get her way and lie on the lounge instead of going to bed? Maybe this isn't a significant issue at this age, but the patterns we're getting into now will be harder to break as time goes on.

OK. That's enough pondering for tonight. This is a huge topic and I'm feeling tired.

Life is Messy

Just been watching "Parenthood", or the second half of it anyway. One of the lines was, "Life is messy". So true. It seems the more of life we experience, the more we realise life isn't quite what we hoped it would be, that there are lots of things that disappoint us - in the lives of others close to us, and in our own lives.

But it's great to know that we can, and should, come to God amidst all the messiness. Our problems aren't instantly fixed when we come to Him, but we know that we have a God who is with us no matter what, and a God who offers us His peace amidst the storm... A God who offers us forgiveness through Jesus, and a God who gives us hope.

Making Tabhouli

Before I get to the tabhouli, I need to vent for a minute... My mouse is driving me nuts - it's one of those wireless bluetooth ones or something, but the last day or so it's been losing the connection every now and again for no apparent reason. I just replaced the batteries a few weeks ago so I don't think it's that. Any ideas from the computer whiz's out there?

I enjoyed making some different food yesterday, well different for us. We usually stick to meat and three veg, and if I cook something fancy it's fairly plain stock standard, like apricot chicken or tuna mornay. So I tried making tabhouli and a corn cous-cous salad cause I thought the girls might like it. Lucy did. I enjoyed it yesterday, but wasn't so keen on it tonight. I think I'm still a meat and three veg girl. But I enjoy cooking (though prefer cooking desserts like sticky-date) so it was fun.

It was also interesting asking different people at the shops where I could buy "burghul". Most looked confused and asked me to repeat what I was looking for. Turns out it's the same as cracked wheat, or so I'm told. That's what I ended up using in the tabhouli as I couldn't find burghul anywhere. Most people hadn't heard of it, and quite a few of the Woollies ladies didn't know what tabhouli was. When they found out it was a salad they told me I could just buy it in the deli section. That would have been smart! In hindsight it probably would have been a lot cheaper, and we might have been able to eat it all in one night rather than having a life-time supply. Oh well, next time I'll do that and make sticky-date instead.

Becoming the Mum God wants me to be

So I've decided it's time to take action and do something practical to help the girls (and more so myself!!) to learn to thank God more, and to think about other people and their needs more.

Sometimes we thank God for Panda, our cat, and occasionally I'll ask Sarah what else we can thank God for, and she'll list off lots of people and things that she loves and wants to thank God for. But I have to confess that I definitely don't thank God for the little things as often as I should. So I want to be more intentional about this.

Tomorrow I'm going to ask the girls to think of something special they'd like to thank God for, and someone they think we should pray for, and I'll contribute my own ideas to the list. I'll write them down in a little diary so we can look back at them sometimes. Hopefully this will help me to think beyond my own circumstances!

This will be my first step in becoming the Mum God wants me to be. I've got a looooong way to go!

I will be with You

God's promise to be with me is not dependent on me or my ability to hang in there. It's dependent on Him, and Him alone. Isaiah 43:1-4

I watched an online video of Charles Stanley preaching on "When Others Fail Us". You can access the video here (look under July 2009). He looks at 2 Timothy 4:9-18 where Paul says in v16, "No-one came to me but everyone deserted me." Even the Apostle Paul, who had impacted so many people's lives, felt deserted and alone.

But Paul then goes on to say in v17, "But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength".

God is the one who stands by my side, no matter what.

God is the one who gives me His Strength, a supernatural strength, given by His Holy Spirit who lives in me when I accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour.

It's God who will be with me... only God who will never desert me.

Do not be anxious

Years ago a good friend gave me a book by Joyce Myer on this very topic - do not be anxious about anything! God knows us intimately, He knows we often get anxious. In Philippians we're told not to be anxious. Joyce emphasises that this is a command - not just something that is good to do, but something God commands us to do.


Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)


Instead of being anxious, the verses tells me IN EVERYTHING, to bring my requests to God. It says to bring them with thanksgiving... as my Dad reminded me this morning I should thank God for the good gifts He has given me... and I should thank Him for who He is, for being my Rock and Refuge, and for His faithfulness.

The next verse is even better... as a result of taking my requests to God and thanking Him, God will give me His peace. This peace will "guard my heart and my mind". It's a peace that is beyond our understanding, a peace that only God can give.

I wouldn't recommend mine

What's that saying about walking a mile in another person's shoes? If you're thinking about doing this, I certainly wouldn't recommend mine!

Today it's been a real challenge to choose to say, "Yet I will rejoice"... but tonight God reminded me yet again that nothing can ever separate me from His love.

Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering,
though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name, when I'm found in the desert place,
though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name.
When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say,
"Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name"*


*From Matt Redman's song "Blessed be Your Name"

The desires of your heart - part 2

Found Charles Stanley preaching on the Christian Channel tonight. He was preaching about temptation and suggested temptation is anything that negatively impacts my relationship with God. What a good description.

For me, two big issues are trusting God (especially in relation to the future) and being patient - there are lots of things that tempt me to stop trusting Him and to be impatient. Something else Charles mentioned is that sometimes we can be tempted to desire something that God desires for us in our timing instead of His - the problem may be that we want it now, but God wants it later. It was an excellent sermon.

After hearing him preach, thought I'd take a look at the In Touch website, and came across his sermon notes on Psalm 37 about God giving us the desires of our hearts. Thought this was interesting after my post earlier today. I particularly struggle with D and E of the principles that he suggests will lead to obtaining our heart's desires - rest in Him, and wait patiently for God. Not that I disagree, I just find these two things very hard to do!!

He also stresses the importance of asking God to make my desires conform to His will, which I agree Psalm 37:4 is talking about. As I delight in God (not anything or anyone else), He will transform my desires so that they are in line with His.

As Charles emphasised at the end of his message tonight, we need to be constantly soaking ourselves in God's Word and allowing Him to transform our thinking by His Spirit as we read His Word. This is the way to be prepared so that we don't give in to our temptations... the way for me to grow in trust and patience.

The desires of your heart

Psalm 37
4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.


Was talking to Mum earlier today, and she reminded me that God knows our heart's desires. So I wanted to take another look at this verse in Psalms.

I don't think it means God will give me everything I want - as my loving Father, He knows that sometimes what I ask for and want is not what's best for me.

The verse before talks about trusting the Lord, then the start of this verse tells me to "delight" in the Lord. Then, as a result of delighting in Him, it says He will give me the desires of my heart. Maybe this also means that as I delight myself in Him He will shape my heart's desires, that His desires for me will become my desires?

A Nice End to the Day

Well, amidst the toughness of life, God's also been providing for our every need, and more... through friends and family who have been supporting us practically - from picking up a script for Lucy's medicine and getting it filled for us, to baking us cookies, and just being with us...

Blessed be the name of the Lord, in the land that is plentiful... on the road marked with suffering... when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord".

But one of the best provisions tonight is a sleeping baby, who seems to be on the road to recovery. Morning is coming. Thank you, God. Blessed be Your name.

I said enough already!!!

Seems I've also got the same virus as Lucy now - no wonder she was, and still is, so upset!!

My daily devotion this morning was very appropriate, Handling Adversity.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD" (Job 1:21).

I've based the theme for the next edition of the magazine, which we're just finalising at the moment, on Habbakuk's words, "Yet I Will Rejoice". This is where the rubber meets the road. Amidst all the tough stuff of life, will I focus on God as Habbakuk and Job did, or will I focus on my circumstances? Sometimes it's really hard when we just feel so overwhelmed, but the choice is ours.

Yet I will rejoice. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Enough already

Feel like I've had enough already.

Realised after journalling last night that I use the phrase "I feel" a lot... which is not so good. I also realised that last night's sermon was spot on for me at the moment... reminding me to take my eyes off my suffering and not let it be my focus, and instead to trust God and know that He is faithful and working for our good to make us more like Jesus. Doesn't mean in any way it will be easy. I thought I had enough stress and suffering in my life when I heard the sermon...

Since then I've taken Lucy back to the hospital again as she had very high fevers and wouldn't settle since last night, and it looks like she's got tonsillitis so she's now on antibiotics. Poor little thing, as if having a cast on your arm isn't enough at 20 months!

We're becoming a bit too familiar with the emergency ward at the hospital, hope we don't have to go back again any time soon! Lucky they had a book about "Susy's Shoes", Lucy really loved that, she already has a bit of a shoe fetish.

I'm sure the hospital would agree, "Enough already!".

Perspective

Tonight's message was a great challenge to be seeing life from God's perspective... rather than seeing everything in light of our suffering, seeing through God's eyes, that He is wanting us to become more like Jesus - that God is more interested in our character development, than our comfort. Tom did a much better job saying it than I have here though.

The passage was Romans 8:28-39, and Tom reminded us that nothing can ever separate us from God's love, and our job is to trust Him. We need to remember amidst our suffering, that He loved us so much that He sent His only Son to die for us, to take our place, and to rise again... because He loved us and chose us before we were born.

The biggest challenge for me? v28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him". Trusting God even when times are tough and the moulding hurts... even when His answers to my prayers aren't what I would like them to be, or in the timing I would like them to be... Keeping His perspective on life. Hard work... but it's great that we don't have to do this alone, He's given us His Holy Spirit to help us keep His perspective.

Winding Down

Had an enjoyable night watching a movie with my friend and chatting over coffee. So much to ponder... just as well we saw a fairly early movie, especially considering we lose an hour's sleep tonight with daylight savings. I'm hopeless once I start pondering... journalling usually helps me wind down, so think I'll do that.

Fun

I like Chuck Swindoll's writing - I have a couple of his books about different Bible characters (David, Esther, Moses) and they're a really good read. I recently found his daily devotions on the web, and the one for yesterday was "Keep It Fun".

It's been two months since I blogged about relaxing. Finally a verse that kind of talks about it, in a sense (if relaxing and laughter go hand-in-hand as I think they do).

I'm off to the movies with a friend tonight, should be fun!

Hospital Visit

Today was my first visit as a Mum to the Emergency Department at the Hospital. I guess because it was the afternoon just before the long weekend, it was very quiet. We were the only people there when we arrived, which was very fortunate.

Lucy had a fall at home as she was chasing after the big kids. She fell down a step (just one) and fractured her elbow. Poor little thing, she kept screaming in pain, so after giving her a bath and some panadol I decided it was time to take her to the hospital just in case. Glad I did.

She now has a cast. She had to have an x-ray, actually a few x-rays, and the Doctor then said she'd need a cast. She obviously hadn't had a lot to do with little kids before. Lucy's 20 months old, so trying to get her to sit still while the cast was plastered on wasn't particularly easy.

At one point she was screaming so much I wasn't really thinking about where I was and who was there, just worried about my little girl, so prayed with her as I was fighting back tears and asked God to be her comfort and thanked Him for the Doctor and the nurse. Afterwards I realised they probably would have felt uncomfortable... hope they didn't. A mother's protective instincts over-ride everything else.

That was this afternoon. I'm a little worried about this week in particular - seeing more doctors and specialists and trying to finalise the magazine. They think she might need the cast for six weeks which is a looong time for a little kid.

On another note, just listening to the rain as I type. I love the smell of rain, and enjoyed it this afternoon before Lucy's little incident.

Surrender

Yesterday my mentor read a challenge to me, asking what areas of my life I'm not surrendering to God. Didn't take long to figure it out, at least the biggest area.

The future.

Surrender - an act of willing submission, a relinquishment of control. Submitting my future to the arms of a loving, faithful God, who created me, who knew me before I was born, who knows my deepest desires and dreams, who created the world and everything in it, who is all-knowing and wise.

But I'm also realising that surrender isn't just a one-off decision, it's something I must do on an ongoing basis. Every time I'm tempted to worry, I need to surrender, to willingly submit to God. As I was reflecting the other day, I need to surrender to the Holy Spirit, to allow Him to control my mind, and then I will have a peace about the future! It's my choice - worry, or have God's peace. It's a tough one...

Heart over Head

As our Pastor so kindly reminded me this morning, I have a tendency to let my heart rule my head. He can get away with telling me the truth, even if it hurts, because he has an eye patch - who'd mess with him? But he's also walked with me, and many others, through many years of tough stuff... so I know he says what he does because he cares and wants me to keep growing in my walk with God.

I guess it's true. I often let my heart rule my head - it's the "F" in me (Myers-Briggs). Especially, when I'm stressed I tend to make decisions based on my feelings, rather than the facts. Very dangerous, sometimes anyway.

Maybe that's why I love reading about David in the Bible and reading the Psalms, because he was described as a man after God's own heart. He was a passionate man. He was passionate about His faithful God, and doing His will.

What's that saying, "Your greatest strength can also be your greatest weakness"? Very true.

David's heart was completely sold out to God, yeah he was human, but ultimately He wanted to do what God wanted Him to do. That's the kind of heart I want.

Just pondering about nothing much

I've had one of those morning's just observing stuff - nothing particularly profound, but stuff I find interesting, even if no-one else does. There's so much to ponder in life.

Our cat's funny - he's quite scared of the wind, and just generally a bit on edge, poor thing, must have had a troubled child-hood. This morning he jumped when the toast popped out of the toaster. Then he tried to attack the shadow of my fingers on the wall as I was opening a jar of peaches for Lucy. He's a fraidy-cat, but the girls and I love him.

Then I had to go to the Doctor... people often say it's helpful to remember that there's usually someone who's worse off than you, and in this particular instance I agree, not that it made me feel that much better about it. I often wonder why anyone would want to be a doctor. I guess all jobs have their down-sides. Could write some more about my experience at the Drs, but some things are better left unsaid.

On the way home I saw a post-man walking (not on a motor-bike). Maybe he's trying to get fit? I was wondering whether he would deliver our mail all the way down the bottom of the hill and was thinking that was pretty impressive, but as I got to the top of the hill I saw another post-man on his motor-bike - thought it'd be a looooong walk for a post-man.

Seeing the Big Picture

The girls and I had fun catching up with a friend and her little boy this morning. We got talking about seeing our suffering in light of God's bigger plan, but at the same time not minimising suffering. This can be hard to do at times. Sometimes it's easy to purely focus on the toughness of suffering and let it overwhelm us... and if we're not the ones going through the tough situation it's easy to say "spiritual" stuff and to quote verses to remind the other person to think about God's bigger picture... but I think the two go hand in hand... We need to recognise the tough stuff, while remembering God's bigger picture, and remembering that NOTHING can separate us from His love.

My friend shared some of what her hubby had been preaching about yesterday based on Romans 8 - that God talks about the Holy Spirit helping us in our distress and praying for us with "groanings" that cannot be expressed in words. It's OK to find it tough, to struggle. But amidst that toughness, we need to reach out to God, to let Him encourage our hearts, to ask Him to help us see life through His eyes.

Peace

Last night's sermon was on Romans 8, "Life through the Spirit". It's interesting how God speaks to each one of us individually, in different ways (by His Spirit). Though it wasn't really discussed as part of the message (that I recall anyway), the verse that stood out for me, was: "the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace" (v6b). My NLT says, "But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace".

Peace... God assuring me He is in control, that I can trust Him completely. God assuring me He is walking with me every step of the way. God assuring me if I put my hand in His, He will faithfully lead me and show me each step of His plan when I need to take it. God calling me to rest in His arms, to let His Spirit control my life and fill me with His peace. To relax in that.

Seems that I'm not always surrendering to God and allowing His Spirit to control my mind though, otherwise I'd constantly feel this peace, but often I don't... I'm good at worrying. But in the Bible God tells me not to worry. And He tells me that He offers life and peace through His Holy Spirit.

Peace. Life through the Spirit is a life full of peace.

My Solid Rock

There are so many Psalms that talk about God being my Rock.

Things in our lives are constantly changing - sometimes it seems hard to keep up with all the changes. But God does not change. God will always be the one constant in my life. He is my Solid Rock.

When I was in hospital pregnant with Sarah (33 weeks), I wrote this in my journal, and later read it at Sarah's dedication. Three days after I'd written it, Sarah was born, six weeks premature.

"I'm lying here in the hospital bed at Royal North Shore Hospital, desperate to go home. The doctors don't really know what's wrong with me and until things have been under control for 24 hours, they won't let me go home.

Even though a number of people have been visiting me, I feel so alone. Baby's been very content every time she's been monitored so far, but I'm still scared. It's hard not knowing what's happening, or what will happen and when. Could I be in here for weeks until she's born?

Please God, I ask that You would provide some kind of resolution soon. Take away the pain, keep my baby safe and help me to seek my comfort in You alone.

I praise You, God, because You are God and You love me like no-one else can. Wherever I go, You are there, even in the darkest of places. You walk beside me and carry me every step of the way. You know my innermost thoughts and fears, those that I can't even express. And You love me.

You wrap Your arms around me and I feel safe and secure. Even though I don't understand what's happening or why, I know that You are everything I need and You know the answers.

Thank You that You are my Solid Rock. When others let me down, I am reminded of Your consistency and Your faithfulness.

Father, thank You for Your peace amidst the storm."


Yes, God has been my Solid Rock. And I know He will continue to be my Solid Rock.

James 1:17 tells us that God does not change like shifting shadows. He is 100% reliable, 100% dependable.

I don't need to fear the future because God will be my Rock.

He is Sovereign

A few days ago I started looking at different aspects of God's character, and pondering about my fear of the future in light of His character. Here are the characteristics I've explored so far:

1 God will be my confidence
2 God will sustain me, carry me and rescue me

Today I'm thinking about God being Sovereign, as indicated in Psalm 71:5. "For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth."

I think another part of my fear of the future is around making mistakes and wrong choices. What if I stuff up? What if I have already stuffed up? The fact that God is Sovereign gives me hope - it is God who is ultimately in control. I have to admit I don't completely understand how this fits in with our free will, and how there is suffering in the world and in our lives if God is Sovereign, but I do know that even Jesus, God's own Son, suffered... so for some reason it seems God's doesn't see suffering the same way as we do. God seems to use suffering as part of His greater plan. I know this presents lots of questions for most of us... but I need to remember that my understanding and wisdom is finite, while God's is infinite.

Regardless of what I think and all the whys, God is Sovereign. That's what His Word tells me. He has supreme authority and power.

How does this fit with my fear of the future? It tells me that I don't need to be scared of stuffing up - ultimately, God will have His way, ultimately He is in control. The verse also talks about God being my hope, and once again, my confidence.

Coping... or not

I've realised that one of my coping mechanisms when things are tough is not so good. I never planned it to be one of my coping mechanisms, it became one by default.

I have no idea how many people read my blog, but perhaps after this post there'll be less people who'll read it... take that as my warning.

Here's the scenario. My head's throbbing, I haven't been getting much sleep for what seems like forever, both girls are having tantrums and I just feel like there's nothing left in me to go on. So I say something like, "This is just hell. Life is just such hell. Why is it so hard?!!!!" Yeah, if you're reading this, you'll be horrified. How can a mother say this in front of her children! And how can she go on to write it on her blog! I agree!!! Though my humanness sometimes gets the better of me...

I need to find a better way of dealing with these tough situations as there will no doubt be more to come! I tend to be very verbal when I'm stressed, and talk through what's happening (as much as I can anyway...) with the girls.

At the Revive conference last week I was really challenged about this. In one workshop we were encouraged to come to God as David does in the Psalms and ask Him our "whys". I realised I needed to find something helpful to say in front of the girls that would also help me to cope. So I was thinking maybe I could print out a Psalm and stick it on the wall and say that, instead of what I've said previously.

Louise, a lady who I'd never met before, who came and prayed with me on Saturday night, mentioned a Psalm that she thought might be good about my couch being drenched with tears. I didn't realise there was a Psalm that talked about that. It's Psalm 6. So here's what I'm sticking on my wall.

Psalm 6:3-6, 8-9
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; 

save me because of your unfailing love.
I am worn out from groaning; 

all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.
Away from me, all you who do evil, 

for the LORD has heard my weeping.
The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.

Psalm 7:1a
O LORD my God, I take refuge in you


Hopefully this will be a helpful coping mechanism!

Little mouse on a treadmill

The girls loooove going to the pet shop. They could spend hours looking at the animals, especially the fish. I'm surprised the pet shop haven't started charging us an entry fee!

This morning they giggled away as they watched the little mouse on the treadmill, running, running, running, as fast as his little legs could go... he nearly fell off at the beginning (must have been his first time), but he got the hang of it pretty quickly. He got tired pretty quickly too and had to hop off for a break.

Sometimes the treadmill of life is pretty exhausting... doesn't take long before I feel like I need a break, but often it's not as simple for us as it is for the little mouse - we can't always just hop off the treadmill whenever we feel like it... I can't stop being a Mum because I'm too tired!

But the second verse I'm looking at about God's character reminds me that God will sustain me in life. It's from Isaiah 53:4.

"I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

Perhaps another one of the reasons I'm scared about the future is that I'm scared I might not be able to make it to the end, that it'll be too hard and I'll be too exhausted... But GOD will sustain me.

I don't need to be scared - yes the journey will at times be exhausting and I might want to get off the treadmill, but God will sustain me... He will carry me... He will rescue me.

He will be my Confidence

Enjoyed having a cuppa and reading the first chapter of "A Heart Like His" by Rebecca Manley Pippert this morning. Also had a brief chat to one of my old high-school teachers who's apparently just retired.

There are some questions and reflections at the end of each chapter which I don't think I ever spent much time on before, but I'm looking at this time round as a few friends and I are reading the chapter together so we can talk about what God's teaching us through it.

Rebecca writes about David and Goliath, "As far as David was concerned, life's difficulties always present us with a choice. Do we trust in appearances or in the unseen living God? For David there was no contest, because he was convinced that beyond appearances lay the deeper reality of God." (p22) One of the questions at the end of the chapter is what things I fear that are of Goliath-sized proportion in my life.

I think one of my big fears is the future. I'm scared of what God has planned for my life. I'm not even sure why I'm scared of that. I guess it's the unknown. As someone who likes to plan and be prepared, it's difficult to trust God when He hasn't yet revealed what He would have me do in years to come... but looking back over life, I'm glad God didn't reveal too many steps ahead. Letting go and trusting God is the big challenge. I guess there's also the fear of the moulding process, of getting rid of all those parts of me that aren't like Jesus, of surrendering completely and letting God reshape me. Sometimes it really hurts!

Rebecca suggests finding seven verses about God's character to remind ourselves of who He is, and to consider our fear in light of these verses. So, here's my first verse:

Have no fear... for the LORD will be your confidence (Proverbs 3:25-26)


What does this tell me about God's character? He will be my confidence. This has nothing to do with my abilities... it's not dependent on me in any way. Rebecca put it well, "... it's God-confidence we need far more than self-confidence" (p19). Yep, that's what this verse implies. God-confidence. I need to stop worrying whether I'll be able to do what God calls me to do, and start remembering that whatever God calls me to do, He will be my confidence... so I don't need to be scared!

Taking a Breath & Having My Butt Kicked

This weekend's been an exhausting one, but a good one. Mum's amazing - she's been looking after the girls most of this weekend so I could get to the Revive conference myself and be encouraged and challenged, and so I could be part of the music team tonight at Church. Even after working full-time, she's still always wanting to help in whatever way she can. God's been so good to me giving me Mum and Dad. They're such a huge support.

I was a bit worried about going to the conference and bumping into people who haven't seen me in a while and maybe aren't aware of what's happening. I was worried that it'd upset me. But those I did bump into were just loving, they were God's hands and feet - Neil Dawson gave me a hug and encouraged me, Ros (who was one of Mum's bridesmaids) encouraged me and we just chatted about some of the struggles we've faced recently in life, another lady who I didn't even know came and prayed with me and put her arms around me as did Melissa. All these people, plus others, helped me to feel God's loving arms around me saying, "Alison, I am with You".

I think yesterday was a chance to "breathe", and I really needed to take a good, long breath. I had the opportunity to go to two different workshops in the afternoon, and one was on "A Contemplative Life". Through it, God reminded me of His promise to never leave me, and that He will continue to shape my life and use me, if I allow Him to.

But after enjoying drawing breath during the day, the evening was a big kick up the butt. Mike Frost spoke on the Holy Spirit sending us out, that if we're not being sent, we aren't allowing the Spirit to lead and guide us. Ouch. I was reminded how easy is to focus on myself, to want God to encourage and inspire me, while leaving out the next very important step of then being propelled forward to share His love with others. (Saying that, healing is important at certain times in our lives, too.) But God hasn't given us hope to just keep us as individuals, or even as a bunch of Christians, going. He hasn't given us hope so we can just keep it to ourselves, He wants us to share His hope with others... to be real with each other (not just other Christians)... to walk through the tough stuff together.


God, change me. Give me Your heart and Your eyes. Help me to take my eyes off myself and my pain, and help me to truly love others in the toughness of life so that each and every person can have the opportunity to respond to your offer of hope and new life. Thank You Lord for Your Spirit, help me to surrender to You completely so that You can use me in my weakness, and show others Your incredible Strength.

Uniqueness

My brother dropped by tonight, and we had another good old chat about life. While we were chatting I remembered a beautiful poem my Grandma wrote for me many years ago:

God wishes for you adventure in your uniqueness
Being yourself, not someone else
Never losing sight of the fun of you... or what He wants you to be
Always remembering that you are His way of being creative

Psalm 139 talks about God creating me as "me" (knitting me together in my mother's womb), but I've been trying to think about other things the Bible say about uniqueness. There are verses about each of us being part of the body of Christ and doing our own part, and each of us being given different gifts... but not sure this necessarily means the gift is completely unique to me.

There are so many different people who God uses in so many different ways - the Bible is full of accounts of people He used whose stories are all so different, and many are stories that baffle us, like Hosea... OK, yeah God wanted to teach Israel a lesson about His faithfulness despite their unfaithfulness, but couldn't He have found another way than poor Hosea having to marry a woman who would continually be unfaithful to him by committing adultery, and who God would call him to continue to love?

I guess my uniqueness may not necessarily be the kind of uniqueness I desire, but God has made each one of unique. Recognising my uniqueness means I can let God use that uniqueness to bring glory to Him. I can be freed to be who He made me to be, rather than who everyone else expects me to be.

Odd

As I was reversing the car up our driveway, I saw this in the rear-vision mirror. I assumed the car was just pulling in and would park further down the road. But as I got out, I realised it was definitely stationary. I walked towards it to see if the driver was sitting in the vehicle... no sign of them anywhere. Then I decided I had to take a picture. I couldn't believe they parked there - how ridiculous! Especially considering there were hundreds of metres of free parking space directly in front of the car! Maybe they think the law states that you can park up to a metre over the driveway (rather than from it)? They were then parked for at least an hour and a half. They were fortunate I was only reversing half way up the driveway so we (I) could wash it!

While I'm thinking of odd things, this morning I found a recipe for anzac cookies on the back of some oats I'd bought at Aldis. It says to use 113 grams of butter. Surely it's a typo - even some of my friends who are quite pedantic cooks (compared to me who measures fairly roughly) wouldn't measure 3 grams!! Or would you? Please tell me you wouldn't!!

A Special Treat

Today I went and had lunch in a cafe (I guess you'd call it that?) by myself. It's a new chicken and salad place near the florist near Woolworths at Westfield. I highly recommend the food there. I bought a small seafood salad and small chips, not realising how big the serves would be, so ended up bringing some salad home. I saw the burgers they made after I'd placed my order - they looked yummy too.

It's interesting how your views on certain things can change over time - I used to think it was so embarrassing going to a restaurant all alone. I remember going to Melbourne for work a few years ago and ordering room service because I was too embarrassed to eat on my own in the restaurant. I didn't want to sit there all by myself.

But now, it's kind of a treat to be able to eat on my own... to not have to worry about anyone else, to make sure they're eating, that they're not throwing food on the floor or spilling their drink... to not have to scoff my food down while trying to encourage them to stay still for a little longer while I finish my food... to not have to clean up and be embarrassed by the mess covering our table and everything within a one kilometer radius of it...

So, even though part of me still doesn't like the 'loneliness' factor of eating by yourself, I enjoyed my lunch. It was peaceful.

His Heart Beat

Yesterday's message at Church was about the new life we are offered through Jesus. It was a great message, really encouraging.

The Pastor spoke about heart transplants - where someone has donated their heart so another person can have a new chance at life - and how in a similar way Jesus gave up His life so that we could have a new chance at life. He said it much better than I've written it though.

I think the transplant idea really struck a chord with me because I had a corneal transplant a few years ago, just before I fell pregnant with Sarah. And this has given me a second chance in terms of the vision in one of my eyes. So I'm really grateful to whoever it was that donated their cornea! But more than that, I'm grateful to Jesus for the new life He's given me.

He also suggested that once we have accepted Jesus as our Lord, we have Jesus' own heart beating inside of us (spiritually speaking). So our actions and thoughts will be driven and directed by His heart living in us. What an amazing thought! I am still baffled as to why the God of this universe would choose to give His only Son's life so that we could know Him and He could live in us?!?!?! What a concept?! There was a great verse he quoted about this which I didn't write down so of course have forgotten, think it might be in Corinthians.

As one struggling with life some days (today being one of them!) it's great to be reminded that Jesus offers new life... that in Him I do have hope... that in Him I have new-found freedom... that I can look forward to eternity with Him.

Resting in His shadow

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

Keeping Up Appearances

A big cause of stress for me is seeking to please other people. I guess like Hyacinth Bucket, I like to try and keep up appearances. I want people to affirm me. Because of this desire for approval, I want to justify my decisions to them too. But as a few wise, older people have told me, I am accountable to God alone for the decisions I make, and my actions. People can, and will think what they like without knowing the full story, but I am accountable to God not them.

When I seek to please God I don't feel this same kind of stress. I know there's nothing I can do to win His approval - He just loves each one of us as we are, regardless of what we do or don't do. And when I sin, and confess my sin to God, He forgives me. That's the amazing grace He offers through Jesus. Not that I should be blaze and just say, "Oh well, God will forgive me", I need to seek to be holy as He calls me to, but at the same time God knows I am human and that I will fail and still sin. That's why He sent Jesus.

God knows my heart. The beginning of Psalm 139 talks about God searching me and knowing me. I can't hide anything from God. So keeping up appearances is a futile exercise with God. It's a scary thought, but also a comforting thought. I don't need anyone else's approval, when I die, God's 'opinion' is the only one that matters, and His opinion is dependent on my acceptance of Jesus. So why do I waste so much time stressing about keeping up appearances?

Thank You Lord that You know my heart, yet You still choose to love me. Help me to seek to please You and You alone and to stop stressing about what other people think of me.

Growing up

My little baby is growing up - tonight she's sleeping in her big bed for the first time. I thought she might not be ready to leave her cot, but she seemed fine and went straight to sleep. Mind you, the remainder of the night, and tomorrow morning, will be the test... a new bed = new freedom!

I'm excited, but I'm also sad that she's no longer my little baby.

It's funny that I hadn't really planned to move her into the big bed at a particular age. This afternoon I just thought, I think she might be ready so why not give it a try? So far I'm glad I did.

Makes me grateful that God just leads me one step at a time in life. Unlike me though, God does have the next step mapped out ahead of time (even before I was born! Psalm 139). He just doesn't show me till I need to know, which I'm realising is a really good thing. As much as I like to plan, I'm also good at worrying.

Thank You Father for showing me each step as I need to take it. Help me to trust You.

Invisible

There are times when I would love to be invisible... when the girls have a tantrum, when I discover my fly's undone and has been all morning (yes, it happened a few weeks ago!), when I realise I've said something that I shouldn't have...

And there are times when I feel like I'm invisible but wish I wasn't.

In the movie Big Daddy, a little boy is given some sunglasses and told that when he wears them he'll be invisible, to try and help him overcome his fear of others... So he uses them whenever he feels scared and believes that he's invisible (though of course he's not).

Why am I pondering this?

I think I've realised as I've been going through a tough journey that often times you feel like you're invisible. The kind of invisible that you want to be because it's too difficult to deal with, but the kind of invisible that you don't want to be because you need to know people care.

I've realised that so often I don't say something when someone is going through tough stuff because I don't know what to say, and I'm scared I'll want to feel invisible afterwards. But, from personal experience, I've really appreciated people who've said something. The majority of the time, we'll never understand exactly what the other person's going through, but we don't have to in order to help and support them. Sometimes a simple acknowledgment is all it takes.

Maybe being invisible isn't all it's cracked up to be?

Patient Endurance

Sometimes I find it hard to accept God's timing. His timing is so often not the timing I would choose. I'm an impatient person, I admit, especially in certain areas of my life. But I need to learn to be patient.

Patience is talked about often in the Bible, and it's one of the fruits of the Spirit. So if I have God's Spirit and am allowing Him to control my life, this fruit, patience, should be displayed in my life. But so often it's not.

Colossians 1:10-12 talks about praying for "great endurance and patience" among other things. I think the two go hand in hand - to endure we need to be patient. I notice when I feel impatient I also feel like I want to throw in the towel and give up (ie. I don't want to endure).

I always find it comforting to hear about other people who've experienced similar struggles to me. Job seems to wrestle a bit with this concept of God's timing and his own lack of patience, and asks in chapter 6, verse 11, "What strength do I have, that I should still hope, what prospects, that I should be patient?".

I love finding real, honest people in the Bible - I love that God gives us glimpses of other people's struggles here on earth and that He shows us how mighty, awesome and loving He is, that He gives them the strength to patiently endure through these struggles.

Patient endurance, that's what I need. Again, back to my favourite verse in Habbakuk, if I look to my circumstances this is hard to do. But if I look to the hope God has given me by His grace through Jesus' death and resurrection... the hope of a place where there will be no more tears and crying, the hope of spending eternity with Him... I can patiently endure.

Lord, by Your Spirit, help me to be patient. You know it's hard at times, and a real struggle... it's hard for me, but thank You that I don't have to do it alone. Thank You that You've given me Your Spirit who enables me to patiently endure. Help me to be guided by Your Spirit every day, and develop in me a patient endurance.

This is MY tantrum!

One afternoon last week, both the girls had a couple of tantrums... it was one of those difficult days! While Sarah was in the middle of another tantrum, I said, "Alright, I think it's Mummy's turn to have a tantrum now...", but Sarah yelled, "No Mummy, you're NOT having a tantrum. This is MY tantrum!!!"

I have no idea why, but I was thinking about that as I was taking the girls for a drive tonight. I was thinking how sometimes it's almost like we say to God, "This is MY life". There are times when I wonder what on earth God is doing with my life. I want to know why things have happened the way they have... after all, it is MY life. Or is it? It's actually the life that God has given me. HE is the one who created me.

Psalm 139 is one of my favourite Psalms and talks about God "knitting me together in my mother's womb" and planning all the days of my life before I was even born. Yeah, this is the life GOD's given me. I guess I can spend my days trying to figure everything out, or I can spend my days surrendering to God, seeking His guidance and trusting Him.

As tempting as it is to try and take the reigns, and to say, "This is MY life", I need to let go and trust God and His plan for my life. After all this is the life that HE has given me, He is the Potter... I'm just the clay.

No perseverance

Last night Dad downloaded some videos of Mark Driscoll's sermons on trials and perseverance. I started listening to the first on Perseverance Until Judgement, where he looks at 2 Peter 3:1-7, but didn't manage to persevere... I was about half way through when I gave up. Hopefully I'll persevere another night.

Mark suggests that so often in our culture everything is about instant gratification, and as a result we're not very good at persevering. I agree. Even my decision to stop listening to his message tonight fits with this idea - I wasn't hearing what I'd expected to hear so I gave up, I didn't persevere.

He talks about persevering through Scripture. This afternoon I met with some friends and we were discussing Psalm 1 that says as we meditate on God's Word day and night we will be like trees planted by streams of water, bearing fruit each season. If we're not seeking wisdom from God's Word, where is our wisdom coming from? Whose voice are we listening to?

Psalm 119 says, "I have hidden Your Word in my heart, that I might not sin against You". It's really important that we meditate on God's Word, and "hide" His wisdom and promises in our heart. Then in the tough seasons, we can pull out those verses that have been hidden in our hearts.

As I was listening to Mark's first point about persevering with Scripture, I was thinking that this alone is not enough (not that Mark was suggesting it was). I remember someone telling me that one of their lecturers at uni knew the Old Testament back to front but wasn't a Christian. This shows that it's possible to "know" the Bible, but not know God or Jesus at all.

If we are simply reading God's Word to fill our minds with knowledge, what is the point? Psalm 119 is a great reminder to hide God's Word in our heart. I need to be asking God, by His Spirit, to transform me as I meditate on His Word, to help me hide it in my heart, so that I can live the way He calls me to live.

Yes, in order to persevere to the end, and bear fruit in every season, we need to be constantly spending time in God's Word, letting Him transform us by His Spirit.

Lord, help me to regularly spend time reading Your Word, and not just reading it, but hiding it in my heart and letting Your Spirit transform my thinking and my actions. Especially when I'm tired and struggling with life, help me to persevere in reading Your Word.